An Act of Love
by NatalieVampGirl
Summary: Bella wants a new life, a new beginning, a peace of mind. A broken girl. An unwanted pregnancy. She has a choice and she gives a piece of her soul away. There is no turning back. Can Edward put her back together and rescue her from her mistakes? AH/AU
1. Prologue

**WARNING:** This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter song: Trading Yesterday - Shattered

**Prologue**

~ What appears to be the end may really be a new beginning. ~ Unknown

~O~

_**~Bella~**_

It was cold. I could tell that much because my skin was covered in goose-bumps but to me it felt like my skin was on fire. I had no idea for how long I was sitting there, watching the waves crashing with one another and the breeze around me. All I was thinking was my next move; my next destination. The one that would change my whole life and then some…

I tried to recall when I made this decision, but I couldn't. Was it the moment I found out? Was it the moment I got the call? Was it the moment he told me what my case was? Was it the moment I told him what my plans were? Was it the moment I saw the love in her eyes; the one I was supposed to have but couldn't find the strength in me to have? Was it when I realized what was right and what was wrong?

I couldn't tell.

All I knew was that this was the right thing to do, for me. For _it_.

I loved it, I knew that much. It wasn't enough, though; not for my case. Because right or wrong, love wasn't always enough to overcome a challenge. Especially not a challenge like this.

The sun felt hot on my left arm as I watched the deep blue of the sea combine with the blue of the sky. This place was my sanctuary; the place I found out. The place I cried for what had happened. The place I knew I might never see again.

I chose to take a cab, because I knew if I rode with one of them it would be harder to say goodbye and have a peace of mind for a little while. They would question me, like always. They only wanted to make me feel better, comfortable even, and relaxed but it felt unfair. It _all_ felt unfair to me. They should not have to be nice to me .The deal was closed by now, but still they all were. Was it a trick or just kind-hearted people around me for once?

_Is this what it feels to be loved? Is it?_

I never knew. Would I ever find out? I never knew…

I climbed off the rock I was sitting on, and smoothed out my pretty dress; courtesy of _her_.

My old wardrobe was given away and my new clothes were expensive and smooth, like silk and cotton, and they fit me perfectly.

I only had a small purse with me, because all my suitcases -all my new clothes were already there-. At their place.

I sighed.

Their place. It would always be their place, and the fact that I will be staying there for almost a year was insignificant to me.

I didn't want to be ungrateful, I was far from it, but it felt wrong to put them in such a difficult position and to move there with them.

Well…

_Who am I kidding?_

Their place was that big that probably no one would even notice me around there.

It was the one thing I couldn't provide for myself; the luxury of a home like that. Hell even the smallest room in there was something I couldn't afford.

That was my problem.

In the cab all I saw was a blur of green trees and little houses here and there, but other than that my thoughts were occupied to the maximum.

How could I live with so many people for so long? I never had a brother or a sister; it was always me and Charlie and sometimes Renee, when she could visit us.

Other than that my knowledge and experiences were limited. I had a pretty good idea that I could be a pain in the ass some times and be little annoying -especially when Charlie ignored me. But, I was as just a kid.

Charlie, my dad. I never called him that, well… not as much as I should have. What would he have thought of me now? If he saw me like this? If he knew what I was about to do? Would he agree?

I knew the answer to that one. Of course he wouldn't. He would never agree to that. I was the living proof.

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I gazed at the blur again.

From all my options was this was the most … mortal one? The one that would make me feel better? The one that would put me at ease at last?

I wasn't a coldblooded murderer; I knew that. That was not even an option for me. So yes, this was the right one.

_But, if this is the right one, why? Why doesn't it feel right? _

_Because you'll always know!_

I hated my subconscious sometimes! But it was true, I'd always know; the house, the faces, everything. And it would kill me to leave it all behind, but I knew I had to, all along. There was no escape, no turning back. It was too late and I had to fix some of the mess I'd created.

The faces.

Her face when I told her. Her tight hug and the hot tears of happiness streaming down her face. I'd created that. I'd made her happy and I was partially proud of it, but only partially. What would make her happy would be the death of me. What would make her happy would make me miserable, but there was no other choice.

I should've considered myself lucky, though. My mind was protecting me and for that I was eternally grateful. I longed for oblivion, instead of memories. I welcomed it.

I knew it wouldn't last, but I hoped for time; time to heal and time to be free. Whatever that meant in my case.

The cab stopped while the gate opened and my blood ran cold in my veins. It was time.

Time to face the music.

My destination had come to an end and I still felt unresolved. But it didn't matter. This wasn't about me anymore; not anymore.

The cab stopped in front of the big white door. The house was marvellous, like the ones you usually vision in a fairytale; like a medieval castle, but more modern and welcoming, somehow.

_No witches and dragons in there, Bella. You're safe here._

The door opened and she walked out smiling and beaming at me, like a child would on Christmas; waiting for the present.

She paid the cab driver and I stepped out.

"Bella, you're finally here. Welcome." She hugged me tightly again and it felt nice, just like the last time she hugged me. Her happiness was radiant and it touched me somehow. I was making her happy; I was the reason. And that made me happy too. At least, I could change her life instead of mine.

"Thank you, Rosalie." I smiled back and it wasn't forced.

"Come inside, are you cold? Do you want anything? Your room is ready. Maybe a hot bubble bath would be great, what do you think?" She forced a smile this time trying to hide the nervousness.

I wanted to laugh. She was the one that was nervous? What was I suppose to be?

"It's okay. I'm fine, but thanks."

She nodded and her blond hair fell off her shoulders. She looked at me expectantly and sighed. "Are you sure you're okay, Bella? Have you… um… have you changed your mind?" Panic washed her features and at once her skin paled.

"No, of course not, Rosalie!" The words were out of my mouth before I even had a chance to register them in my mind.

That's it—of course that was it! How could I change my mind, especially when she was here and I could see the love in her eyes_; even_ now?

She took a deep breath and visibly relaxed. "Good, that's um… good! Great! Thank you, Bella. Thank you for doing this." She smiled and I could almost see the tears behind her blue eyes.

"I should the one to thank you, you are the best for this and I know it. I trust you." And it wasn't a lie.

She hugged me again and this time, my arms went around her as well. "It means the world to me. You have no idea what you are doing for me, Bella. It's like you are giving me my life back." Her voice cracked at the end and I knew there were tears on her cheeks.

A figure stood by the door nervously watching the two of us.

"Rose? Everything okay?" he glanced at Rosalie with sad eyes and then me, "Bella, welcome." He smiled. He had dimples.

Rosalie released me and turned to Emmett. "Everything is perfect. Get Bella's bag while I show her to her room." She took my hand and we were inside the house. The house that would be my home for the next 8 months; the house where I'd leave a piece of me behind, and never come back.

~o~

**A/N: So this is the prologue and the first chapter is coming soon. Leave some love while you wait….**

**Special thanks ****to my beta ****Feral and Ferla ****for improving this story!**

**And my twi-sis ****vampireprincess1918**** for pre-reading!**


	2. Chapter 1

**WARNING:** This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter song: You'll Be In My Heart - Phil Collins

**Chapter one**

~ When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

_~ Sydney J. Harris _

~O~

_**~Bella~**_

_**A month ago**_

There was an awful beeping in the background of my nightmare. There was always a beeping in the background, but it wasn't anything I was familiar with. It was usually the alarm, but this one wasn't my alarm.

I moved my arms, but I felt resistance.

_Where am I? _

_**Beep Beep Beep Beep**_

It was getting louder and louder. I moved my other arm; no resistance this time.

The bed felt cold and foreign. The covers were itchy on my skin and the pillow was too big and uncomfortable. I moved my head to ease the pain on my neck and I felt resistance.

_What the hell is that! Where am I?_

I started to panic and brought my hands to my face, but again I couldn't. There was resistance, I couldn't touch my face; I couldn't lift my head and I couldn't move my arm. Panic, panic was all there was.

_**Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep **_

"I think she is waking up." It was the first thing I heard. There were people in the room with me, voices that were whispering around me. I could almost feel their eyes on me.

I felt a warm hand cover my own; my right hand, the one I was able to move.

"Bella, you need to calm. Everything is fine, please; you'll only hurt yourself if you move." A velvety, concerned voice whispered in my ear.

_Wait. Hurt myself more? I was hurt? Where was I? _

"You're in the hospital. You'll be fine as soon as you stop trying hurting yourself."

_Did I just say that out loud? I can talk? Then why can't I hear my own voice?_

"Please say something, anything. Can you open your eyes?" The velvet voice answered my thoughts.

I forced with all my strength to open my eyes, but it felt impossible. I couldn't move my eyelids a fraction! It was as if I had no control. I had to open my eyes. Panic rose within me again.

_**Beep Beep Beep Beep**_

"No, no, no, don't panic. You're okay. If you can't open your eyes that's fine. You should try and go back to sleep and then we can try again later. I'll be here when you wake up. I'm Dr. Cullen by the way."

_So the velvet voice has a name. Why would I need sleep, though?_

A wave of calming covered my senses and I felt my body begin to relax….

_Doctor… hospital... hurt… doctor… hurt… hospital… _

~O~

"_Well, well what do we have here? The lovely Isabella…. How are you this fine evening, Bella? Do you want to join us?" Blue cold eyes and an evil smile—an angel with blue eyes and an evil smile. _

_There was something behind his eyes that I couldn't define and I couldn't quite understand the evil smile on his face. Until, that is, the smile became wider and his eyes sparkled with a fire so threatening that my breath caught. _

_Danger. _

_Every cell on my body screamed that I was in danger. I had to get away, I had to leave and never look back at him. _

_Shadows._

_He wasn't alone. Or was it just my imagination? He was so confident. He had a plan, or he planned rather quickly. But now—now he definitely had a plan._

_I blinked my eyes and he was gone. I blinked again and there was wall. I could feel the cold hard wall pressed against my right cheek. My hands were behind my back, his breath on my neck. I blinked again and the wall was gone. There was only the hard cement and dirt on my face. He __was behind me. There was pain but I couldn't tell where. It was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. _

_I blacked out._

~O~

I could feel my throat becoming sore from screaming. I could feel myself scream, but there was no sound. I was screaming, though, tears were running down my cheeks and I was screaming. There were IVs in my right arm and my nose was in pain, but I kept screaming. It was real—it felt real. I could almost feel the cold, hard wall …

"You're okay, sweetie. No one will hurt you here, you're okay. It was just a nightmare." A nurse was trying to console me, while making me lay down again, but I was having none of it.

I pulled on the IV again and the pain was instant—but I didn't care. I could take this pain over the memory of the other one.

"Isabella, you need to relax or I'll have to sedate you." The velvet tone turned firm but I could see the concern in his eyes. His blue eyes.

"No, no!" it was the first thing I heard coming out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry, I have to. Relax."

But it wasn't the syringe, it was his blue eyes. Not the same, yet my mind couldn't tell the difference.

I blacked out again.

~O~

Hospital.

I was in the hospital and I was hurt. I opened my eyes slowly and closed them again. Too bright.

"Finally, you're awake. Hello again, Isabella." The velvet voice was back.

"Don't you have other patients too?" My voice was rough and barely audible. I needed water.

He chuckled. "Of course I have, but I wanted to make sure you were alright. We have a lot to talk about. You've been here for almost three weeks. Do you remember anything?"

_Three weeks? I was in here for three weeks? What the hell happened to me?_

"What happened?"

He frowned and looked at his feet. Not good, not good at all. That's what doctors do when they want to tell you you're dying.

_Oh crap!_

"Am I dying?"

He looked up again and smiled. "No, you're not dying." He frowned again.

"Then what's that look on your face? Its like I'm about to die … "

"What's the last thing you remember?"

I tried to remember, but all I could see was the nightmare, then there was a big lapse in my memory. I still had memories of my friends and school and Charlie—nothing out of ordinary, except that there was that huge lapse of my memory in between. When I told him so he smiled, he looked almost relieved.

"The memories will come back to you eventually, but I'm afraid I have to tell you myself—to prevent you from the shock when they eventually do."

He gave me some water, which hurt like hell to swallow, and then took a seat next to my bed.

The next three hours were the most painful of my life—as far as I could remember. He told me everything; how they found me; where I was, and what had happened.

"We got a call; someone witnessed a man attacking you. We were only told where we could find you. When we brought you in you were in shock. At first you wouldn't let us touch you, but then you stopped fighting, and let us work on you. I know what had happened at the alley, Isabella, the rape kit gave us all the answers. You are suffering from acute stress disorder, which explains the lapse in your memory; the memories will come back in time.

You kept repeating one name, _James_. We assumed that he was the man that raped you. He left you at the scene, before help arrived, Isabella. But the police were able to extract DNA from under your finger nails and some hair and other stuff.

You had no Identity with your name on it except a library card. I'm afraid that we weren't able to located anyone. But we can call whoever you want.

There is something else too. Something that's not easy to tell you," he paused and looked at me expectantly, but I was indeed in shock.

And of course I knew what he wanted to tell me, that James left me pregnant. Of course he had. Isn't that always the case? Guy beats up a girl and rapes her and the girl ends up pregnant and in shock. Just what I dreamed about for my life.

_Awesome!_

I felt like I was in a bad movie. My life had turned upside down in the mere total of three weeks. Three weeks had changed everything and now I had to face the consequences of _his_ actions. I was left alone and I was pregnant and I had no idea what to do.

"I'm pregnant," I announced and seemed surprised.

"How did you know?"

"Isn't that what always happens? One bad thing brings another one, and now everything has changed. And no, I don't want anyone here yet, thank you for that one. This is better. Let them assume whatever they want. I'll call them as soon as I'm outta here."

He sighed. "I have to admit that this wasn't the reaction I was expecting from you. I'm here if you ever need anything, Bella."

And just like that, he was and I was Bella. No more velvet voice and Isabella. No, Isabella had changed. I wasn't that girl anymore and I wasn't alone. I had something to think about.

"Why? Why do you care? I'm just another victim. Why do you care?" I blinked my eyes to prevent myself from crying, but it was inevitable. Tears streamed down my cheeks.

"You're not just another victim, and that's why I'm here, Bella. But I'll tell you that story another time. I think you've had enough for today. Get some sleep and we'll talk again tomorrow," he said gently.

I just nodded and he left in a matter of seconds.

Pregnant? A baby? Acute stress disorder?

Just what I wanted three weeks ago.

I had a happy life. My friends. I had to call them sometime. But what do I say? Do I even keep it?

_No you fool a baby? Really Bella? All you needed now is a baby! You have school. And seriously how will you manage to raise a baby. Your rapists baby nonetheless! _

_This can't possibly be happening to me! _

_WHY?_

~O~

_**Two days later**_

"Seriously where the hell were you! I thought someone kidnapped you or something Bella! Don't do this ever again you hear me?" Angela was yelling at me for the past hour.

This morning I left the hospital with 's private number in my bag. It felt wrong but so right at the same time! I felt secure, I felt like I had someone that knew me. Because he was the only one who knew.

I hadn't told Angela yet. Luckily for me, a month in hospital had left me without bruises, so she couldn't tell anything had happened. There was no more bruising on my face and I could walk around like a normal person, again. But I was anything but fine.

Thanks to stress disorder, I barely acted like a normal person, and anything could set me off. Anything was possible to bring back the painful memories. Memories that might make me loose it, in front of everyone, and hurt myself.

_And the baby_. A tiny voice inside my head reminded me.

Carlisle had kindly offered to check up on the baby. Now not only had I his private number but also a tiny black and white sonograph picture that I had no idea what to look at and even if I did, there was nothing yet to really see.

"I won't, Ang, I promise. Now stop yelling at me would you?"

She hugged me tightly and sighed.

"I thought something bad had happened to you, Bella."

"I know, Ang. Thank you for caring. "

I had memorized my story. Renee was really sick and she called me to go visit her immediately so like the good daughter I was I left without leaving a note and stayed with my mom for a whole month.

I'm not that girl anymore. And I had to do something about my problem, because for me now it was just a small problem but I had to fix, immediately.

_One down, one more to go._

Renee.

Mom.

Thank God Renee wasn't the mother type. We only talked when she was in town or when I called to check up on her.

I know, Mother of the year.

_That's what you'll be like, huh?_

I hate my inner voice and all its bullshit!

I always feared I'd end up like Renee, but I knew now that I couldn't. How could I wish for my child to have the type of mother that I had? How could I keep myself in line and be a good mom, when I didn't know what that even was. I could be a good dad, because Charlie was a good father. He was left alone with a baby and he took care of it. Like a real parent would do. He did all he could for me.

_I wish I could do what he did and raise this baby, __**a**__nd love it and protect it, but I can't!_

_I wish he was here, to tell me what to do. To tell him that he might become a grandfather but he'll never know._

But I knew.

I had no clue about babies, and as a matter of fact, I wouldn't want to have me as a mom. So, really how could I do that to someone else?

If I was a baby and had a choice, would I choose me as a mom?

No.

So I had to find someone that I would have liked as a mom,

~O~

Thank God Angela and, her longtime boyfriend, Ben, were out to dinner and movie, because I could just picture her expression had she been here and looking at my computer screen at this moment. Utter shock! To say the least …

I was on my couch thinking and researching and expanding my options—not that I had a lot to choose from to begin with.

I wasn't a murderer. I wouldn't _ever_ kill something that couldn't even protect itself. Something that didn't know it existed at the moment; something that doesn't have a form yet.

I knew nothing about adoptions and if I hadn't been at the hospital in shock I would have just used Plan B. But I wasn't given that option. I was unconscious and I had no option.

Research after research and I still had no clue and nothing else to look for. I had to work fast and think of an excuse. I had to take sometime off school and lie to Ang because there was no way I would go to school pregnant and then show up without a baby.

It was going to be hard, though. Everybody wanted an infant, but who would deal with the mother? It wasn't as if I could stay in Washington for nine months working with a huge belly!

Suddenly the card in my bag seemed like the smartest idea. But call him and tell him what? Where do I give my baby away? Do you know anyone who might be interesting in an infant? How about another child Carlisle?

UGH!

"This is useless," I muttered under my breath and removed the laptop from my lap.

_I know you suffered,  
But I don't want you to hide  
its cold and loveless  
I won't let you be denied_

_Soothe me  
I'll make you feel pure  
Trust me  
You can be sure_

How ironic, while Matt sang about suffering and pureness, as my phone went off, I felt anything but.

When I looked at the screen I was shocked. I had memorized that number and now there it was!

~O~

The beach house.

I accidently found this place when I was wondering around drunk once and couldn't remember my own address.

I found this magical place and it had instantly become my sanctuary. The place I came to think; the place I come to cry for my dad—for my mom. And now the place I would cry over for me and my baby.

He gave me an option—and a very good one. But could I accept it?

_Of course you can! He can help you and you are in desperate need of help! Take it!_

Tomorrow would be the day I would decide. I didn't want to be in this position but I knew there was no other choice.

No, I actually had a choice this time, and if she wasn't what I wanted, then I would move on and look for a better one—for the best one. The best mom for my baby. The mom I would never become; the mom she might be. I had another person to think of and maybe this was the best option for me—for both of us. She wanted something I had and I wanted my life back. A happy ending for all of us.

Tomorrow I would meet Rosalie Lillian Hale Cullen and I would decide if she was the best mom for my baby.

How ironic, Carlisle wouldn't be a dad but a grandpa. He would be what Charlie never had the chance to be. And his daughter-in-law would be the mom she always wanted to be. A happy family for my baby.

Where did that leave me, though? Now that I had an option, was I even ready to give it all up? Was I ready to have a baby and see another woman play mommy instead of me?

I had to be ready, for my baby. I just had to be strong.

~o~

**A/N: Chapter one is finally here! I hope you like this story and support it!**

**Special thanks ****to my beta ****Feral and Ferla ****for improving this story! Thank you!**

**And my twi-sis ****vampireprincess1918**** for pre-reading!**

**I edited the quote and added a disclaimer too!  
**


	3. Chapter 2

**WARNING:** This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter Song: Damaged - Plumb

**Chapter two**

~ Knowing that there is worse pain doesn't make present pain hurt any less. ~ Real Live Preacher, Real Live Preacher weblog, 03-22-05 ~

~O~

**~Bella~**

"_Is this Bella Swan?"_

_My heart was beating furiously in my chest as I recognized the local Forks police number. _

"_Y-yeah, who's this?" My palms were sweaty and my hands were trembling as a bad feeling start developing within my gut. Something was happening._

_The man on the other line sighed, "Bella, I don't know if you remember me, I'm Harry Clearwater, you father's deputy…"_

_Charlie, my dad, something was wrong with my dad._

"_Umm, yeah I think, what's wrong? Why are you calling me, is something wrong with my dad?" I could barely talk, my throat was dry and tears were welling in my eyes. My dad._

"_Bella, I don't who how to say this, it's been two days since you left with your mom and I knew that Charlie would want some time to himself, I left him be, thinking he needed it… I-I'm sorry Bella…" There was a pause but I had all the information I needed, I left Charlie without says so much as a goodbye and now… now I didn't even had the chance, because I believed her, I believed her and now my dad…._

"_Tell me... What happened?"_

"_Heart attack Bella, the doctor said it happened the day you left. I found him today, he wouldn't pick up the phone and that's so unlike him. I got worried but I was too late…" there was a muffled sound and I realized he was crying. _

_I wiped my own silent tears away and sank down the wall. _

_My dad, my hero, he was dead. I left him because of Renee and now he was dead. I was all alone, a broken girl, without anyone._

_My dad was dead. _

_I breathed in a huge breath when my lungs started burning and screamed in the palm of my hand._

"_NO!"_

~o~

I jumped of the bed and fell down from it when my eyes opened.

I hadn't had that dream for a while but every time I did, I would wake up in tears and screaming on the top of my lungs.

Charlie.

His image haunted my dream, my existence. Sometimes it was hard to even remember him. It was a bittersweet memory. His smile would make me both happy and sad. Happy that I was the receiver of many smiles, well, all of them as little as there were. And sad because it would always remain a memory, I would never see it again.

I stood up from the floor and waked out in the kitchen, I wasn't supposed to drink coffee but I craved it so much, especially after a night like this.

I had dream of babies, all kinds of babies, blue eyed, green eyed, brown eyed, black eyed. Blond babies, and brown-haired babies, babies with curls and straight hair. All the kinds.

I never realized that there was a great possibility that mine would have blond hair and blue eyes, like James.

The thought of his name alone was enough to make goose bumps appear on my skin, but that's all. I knew it wasn't normal; I shouldn't even be able to think of him, let alone react so calmly. I was a ticking bomb and everything could make me burst. I just prayed that that would happen after my baby was away, safe and sound.

"Good morning Bella." A bright eyed Angela greeted me with a cup of tea. There was the usual sadness in her eyes, the one were she knew, she'd heard me and now she was making me tea to calm my nerves.

Well, it works for me, I can have coffee anyway.

"Good morning Angela, thanks." I took the cup form her and walked away. "I'm going to have a shower, when will you guys leave?"

"In an hour or so, Ben will be here soon to pick me up." She paused. "You had that dream again? About Charlie I mean…"

I gave her a sad, watery smile, "Yeah…"

"Isn't not your fault Bella, you have to understand it at some point, you can't keep blaming yourself about what happened…"

I knew this, I've heard her saying it a million times, still no difference, she couldn't understand.

"I'll be done before you leave Angie."

~o~

I really thought this would be easy, but oh how wrong was I!

First of all, I wasn't one of the lucky women who didn't have nausea or morning sickness; which is not morning sickness at all, more like all-day-sickness-none-stop-vomiting thing. Well, not really, but at this point I had no idea if it was the usual morning sickness or just my nerves. I was on overdrive, I over-thought about everything. What to eat, how much to eat, what to drink; which I didn't but the thought was still there nonetheless. I was thinking every time I sat or walked or slept. Everything. Every little detail. What I did wrong and what right. Not that I had any clue of what was wrong and right at this point.

Carlisle had given me a book about pregnancies; I knew the book but truth be told I never, ever, thought I would end up buying it. It scared me how much of that book was actually true! Everything was there, the roller-coaster moods, the implantation bleeding and the PMS-like symptoms -I had it all. Talking about PMS on steroids, craziness. I felt like I was a teen again with the worst case of PMS!

I wouldn't even touch that damned thing but after what happened a couple of days ago, I memorized the whole thing. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw the light pink spotting but according to the book that's a good thing for the baby, something between the lines of 'implanted itself into the uterine wall' made me throw it across the room, only to pick it up a minute later. See? Crazy emotions!

So, according to the book, no nausea this month- just my nerves. The joy.

That's what pissed me off the most, at least half of those things were things that I was supposed to know but I didn't – _thanks mom! _

_Like mother, like daughter Bella..._

I took a deep breath, this was hard as it is, and I didn't have to add Renee to the equation.

At least I found a good mother for my baby, I had a plan.

Well, all I had was Carlisle and his family that I had yet to meet. Which brings me to the source of my early nausea. Rosalie. I had an hour for my appointment with her and I couldn't calm my nerves. Since that phone call with Carlisle a couple of days ago, I was out of my mind, I was freaking out and I was desperately trying everything I could to keep Angela in the dark. Lucky me, she and Ben had this whole romantic weekend planed and while I would be discussing with Rosalie and hopefully finding a solution, she'd be out of the apartment.

I hated lying to her but what was there to say anyway?

_Hey Ang, so I'm pregnant but I'm a coward and not keeping it because I don't want it to end up like I did because of Renee._

Yeah, not a chance.

It was hard enough to hide everything, even that damned book, from her, at least now I had a couple of days to myself.

If everything went well with Rosalie I'd be out of the house and back in no time.

Well… Eight months to be exact.

Well, it's all worth it for my baby. That was my mantra. That's what kept me going because I knew; there was no turning back from this.

~o~

Rosalie was... not what I expected. At all.

When I walked through the dinners doors my eyes instantly spotted an older woman, not too old but still late thirties, hazel features and a mother figure. That was when I saw Carlisle across the room with a model next to him and I froze. She was...well... a model. That was the best word to describe her. Tall, hot body, long blond hair and pale blue eyes.

_That can't be her! She is the one who wants to adopt my baby?_

_Kinda like your age huh? Why __can't you be more like her? Be responsible for once, you see it's not about the age, she isn't even close to thirty Bella, yet she is here, talking to you about _your baby...

Whatever, despite the age, I could see it in her eyes, what I should have… adoration, for my unborn baby, hope for the future, longing…

Yes, she was the right person.

"Bella, good morning, how are you today?"

"I want to hug a toilet and let my stomach fight itself but other than that, great Carlisle, you?" I chuckled humourlessly, great start Bella, lame jokes, really?

He laughed at my lame joke, "Well, you should star getting used to it you know though I believe it's a little early for that, have you read the book yet?"

He sounded like a teacher asking a student if the homework was done or not…

"Yeah…" He was definitely nervous. There we stood, the odd group of the three of us, standing around a table looking at each other and not uttering a single word.

_I might as well be done with it. _

I grabbed a chair and pulled it on my side, "Hello, I'm Bella." I offered my, now, shaking hand to the blond-mother-figure-model next to me. "You must be Rosalie; it's great to finally meet you."

She gaped at me with her gorgeous eyes and a wide astonished smile. "Yes, I'm Rosalie, I great to finally meet you too, Bella. We have so much to talk about." Fuck, even her voice was angelic-like.

_Yep, cut right down to the chase, why don't you…_

_Bitter much Bella?_

_Bite me!_

I smiled though, she really wanted this, "Yes, we do."

Carlisle apologized for being totally out of it bur who could blame him, his daughter-in-law and a stranger discussing the possibility of making him a grandpa would do that to you.

Things were really weird, no one wanted to acknowledge the pink elephant in the room; we were here for one reason and one reason only, my baby.

I asked Rosalie a couple of things, like her age, which wasn't far from mine actually; she was twenty-seven and her husband twenty-nine. High school sweethearts that eloped just after graduation.

Rosalie talked about her life with her husband, Emmett, how they were trying for years to have a baby but they just couldn't. There was something she wouldn't tell and I knew better that to force her, I wasn't ready to tell her about James yet – though I had a feeling she knew more than I did myself .

The first couple of year she would get pregnant but it wouldn't last, usually it was only a month or three at best, but she would miscarry after.

She talked about her lost pregnancies and her eyes welled up in tears and sorrow. She was mourning for every single one. It gave me the impression that if she could, she would want them all, if not double it.

I took in her appearance as she smoothed her blond hair. How could a person look so magnificent in just a pair of black jeans and a cream shirt was beyond me. She had just a touch of make up, blush, and mascara. Her pink lip gloss was almost gone.

I felt so plain standing next to her. Black jeans, t-shirt and converse, no make-up and a ponytail. Oh well…

"Bella, I'm not going to ask you what happened, I hope you'll feel comfortable enough to tell me on your own soon but, as much as I want us to have an agreement I can't help but wonder, are you sure?" I knew this would come eventually, she would want to make sure I knew what I'm getting myself into, she wants to be sure too. She doesn't want to get her hopes up just for me to come one day and tell her otherwise.

_Like that would ever happen…_

"I'm sure Rosalie. I know what I want for my baby. I want a loving mother, a mother that would care for my baby. Rosalie, I didn't have the possibility to chose a mother for myself when I needed one. But I have the possibility to choose one for my baby. And since I would want a baby to have someone like me as a mother, then I will chose the best one. And if I'm not being too forward, I think that person is you."

I didn't want to scare her but I had this feeling about her. She was the mother material. She was the mother I would want for my baby, she was a whole lot better that Renee, hell; Renee couldn't even hold a candle at her. She was the one. The mother of my baby.

She gave me a watery smile and took my hand in her warm one, "What happened to you?"

She wasn't being a gossiper, she was genuinely concerned. She cared.

"Bad things, things that I don't want to happen to this one." I place my free hand on my flat stomach. It was the first time I ever did something like this.

"So, I get it, your mom was not the mother material but… what happened to your father?"

How could I utter the words the haunted my existence? The words that made my lungs burn?

After all these years, I still couldn't even think of them, let alone utter them.

_I killed him._

No, she couldn't find out about it just yet.

"Things just happen in life that you can't control, unfortunately. But I know now that one bad thing can lead to a good one." I placed my hand on my flat stomach and smiled at her. This was a good thing; I could feel it, and the love she had inside her radiated.

"Bella, I know that you feel like a victim right now, or maybe not at all because of your memory loss but trust me, when the time comes and you remember, I want you to remember my words; it's not your fault. Right now actually it might be good that you don't remember, that will allow your mind to heal it self and thing about the present and your baby, not that night, it would be too much for you to remember that night." She looked away but I could see the sadness in her eyes. It was heartbreaking. It was like she knew how I'd feel. Like she'd been there… could she really? Had that happen to her too?

I remember the fire in Carlisle's eyes when he told me the same words, "You're not just another victim, and that's why I'm here, Bella. But I'll tell you that story another time."

The realizations must have showed in me face because her expression changed, she nodded slightly, "Yes, it happened to me too. I remember everything from that night. I know what it is like and I hope it's different for you, I hope that time heals your wounds and when that time come the only pain you'll feel, is just the memories, not that ugly feeling that haunts your nights and days, every inch of your skin. Bella, in all the bad things that happened to you, you were very lucky; I sometimes still have nightmares. I would kill for your memory loss any day."

I grimaced to myself, it wasn't just my memory loss, it was my baby too.

But none the less, knowing that she felt the same somehow, it didn't make me feel better. I still feared, I knew the memories would come full force one day and I dreaded it. Her pain unfortunately didn't make mine feel any less painful, just a little insignificant now. I had to do this, for my baby and then I would deal with everything else, even if it killed me, I knew this was the right thing to do.

~o~

**A/N**: Thank you all so much, all of you for the great responce. This story is also on Twilighted and TWCS Library. I have a brand new banner made by the awesome mkystich72 you can see it on Twilighted. The playlist is on Blip and all links will be on my profile ASAP.

I have a few recs for all of you.

**Back Against The Wall** by **Feralness and FerlaV **

**Sovereign Fate** by **A Cullen Wannabe**.

As always lots of thanks to my girls, **Feral and Ferla **for saving this story from grammar police! And my one and only **vampireprincess1918**/twi-sister for doing what she does best, kicking my ass when I'm late for an update!

Thank you all and leave me some love!


	4. Chapter 3

**WARNING:** This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter song: Bittersweet symphony – The Verve

**Chapter Three**

~ Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better. ~King Whitney Jr.

~O~

**~Bella~**

Ten minutes after Carlisle left, Rosalie and I were still not talking. But what was there to say?

_So? Why are you giving me your baby? Not that I mind but I just want to make sure you're not crazy and will appear suddenly in ten years and want it back._

_Yeah, not so good._

But I still wasn't ready to tell her anything. And from her little speech I gathered that she had been through a lot of shit herself. So no one would push for more information here.

"Why me?"

I turned my head slowly, mostly because if I turned it faster I'd probably throw up the delicious breakfast I just had.

Her eyes were intense, more so than just the colour, she had a small glimmer of hope in them. So small that I knew she was trying to hold herself back, not get too excited yet.

"Why not?"

Shitty thing to say I know, but really, why not? Carlisle was good enough to take care of me and I knew I wouldn't be able to make a decision for myself. It was as if the decision appeared out of nowhere, to solve all my problems. I was there now, I met two out of-I-still-don't-know-how-many-there-are-in-this-family-yet, and they both looked fine to me. More than fine. Better them than anyone else.

There was silence again but not awkward, instead, the mood was lighter and I relaxed back on my seat.

"You really don't mind me staying with you? I have nowhere else to go actually. I haven't told anyone of my pregnancy yet and I'm trying really hard to keep it a secret since I'm planning on going back next year."

She smiled and nodded, "Yeah, totally cool with me. Anything to help you, Bella. You know I was thinking—would you like to go to dinner tomorrow night? I said we'd help you move out so it might be better if you met the family during dinner. It would be slightly uncomfortable to meet them while you're trying to move from your apartment and come live with us?"

She spoke so quickly I barely understood. Barely.

Dinner. Cullens. One big awkward group. Great.

"U-um well, y-yeah sure. I have to meet your husband at some point right? Who else is going to be there?"

"My brother Jasper and his wife Alice, my in laws basically but you already know Carlisle so that leaves Esme and Edward."

"Esme is you mother-in-law?"

She nodded. "She's really cool. She's been like a mother to me all these years. She'll love you and I'm sure you'll love her too. She is the one person that knows what I've been through ."

"Has she... Has she ever lost a baby?"

Too forward? Maybe, but I wanted to know. It seemed like the family was full of surprises, and a lot of similarity. I smiled to myself and resisted the urge to rub my barely-there baby bump.

_I found you the perfect family, kid._

Rosalie frowned and lowered her eyes. "She's been through a lot. I'm sure she'll talk about it when the time comes."

She forced a smile.

"Edward?"

"Emmett's brother, he's weird."

"Weird, how?"

She paused and looked down again.

_Not good._

"Rosalie?"

She took a sip from her latté and avoided my intense gaze again.

"Rosalie?"

Nothing.

"Okay, now you're scaring me, what is it? He's a murderer? A maniac? A psychopath? What?" I all but yelled at her.

"Okay, I have to warn you but please remember that he's been through a lot too, and his beliefs are different from ours, Bella. He is seeing things from another perspective. He's not exactly excited for this. The baby I mean," she whispered the last words.

So, someone from the family didn't want my baby. I couldn't say I was surprised, it was bound to happen.

"He doesn't want my baby, but why?" I wondered out loud.

Rosalie laughed, a really amused, deep laugh.

Between me yelling at her about her psychopath brother-in-law and her laughing her heart out, people were starting to give us weird looks.

"Oh, Bella, you couldn't be more wrong. On the contrary, he's pissed with us for wanting to take the baby; he says we're taking it from you and it's morally wrong."

_Morally wrong… was it?_

All I wanted was a safe home for my baby and since I couldn't provide that on my own then I would find the next best thing. But what if I somehow changed my mind? Would I ever? What would change in eight months?

I groaned in frustration and put my head on my hands. _What am I doing?_

"What are you doing to me, Rosalie? I've made up my mind, so don't complicate me because I'm messed up as it is." I rubbed my temples; I could feel the headache approaching and my thoughts were running a hundred miles an hour!

I felt a hand on my shoulder rubbing me comfortingly. "I just want you to be sure. You're not giving me a bag, Bella, it's your baby. I don't know how it happened and frankly it doesn't matter, it did and that's it. We'll talk more about this when Jenks gives us the papers. Now, how about some girl time? Huh?"

~o~

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I looked good; well as good as a pregnant girl would look. The clothes did nothing to hide my barely there baby-bump, I didn't look pregnant but anyone who might see me in these clothes might guess...

At least that's what Rosalie had said, "You can't do anything to hide your pregnancy, so you might as well join them instead."

So shopping it was. We start looking for maternity clothes and other pregnancy stuff, which I had no clue about, but Rosalie could name every item as she carefully choose my clothes. I could almost see the wheels turning full speed in her head. She already had the theme for baby's room and a huge variety of clothing in her mind, without knowing the sex yet. Not that it mattered to her.

When Carlisle left the coffee shop, he informed me of his next actions regarding my situation.

"I will contact a lawyer as soon as possible to look at the legal side and have the needed papers ready for your signature. Also, tomorrow I'll find you a doctor from the clinic to be in charge of your pregnancy."

Just the idea of having a man examining me made me want to throw up and all the blood drained from my face. I have never, ever had a problem with male doctors before, but I guess now things had changed.

Upon seeing my reaction, Carlisle nodded awkwardly. "A woman, Bella, don't worry."

Rosalie and I made plans for my sudden living arrangements. She informed me that she would call me tomorrow to discuss the details and help me pack, which I protested.

"Bella, you can't pack on your own. I would feel much safer if I could be there to help you, please."

This meant that, dude; you're having my baby, so be careful. _I think?_

So I made sure that she had my number and of course, when she hinted something about shopping 'soon' I followed suit knowing that 'soon' meant 'then'.

So there I was. Trying my fifth dress in a comfy dressing room, while Rosalie continued to shove dresses, t-shirts, jeans and even underwear, through the curtains.

Was it all too fast? Certainly.

I barely knew the girl and yet somehow, she'd managed to distract me and think of something else. My baby – soon to be hers. I wasn't Bella Swan shopping for fun, I was Rosalie. Everything she didn't do; everything she couldn't have. It was all happening with a delay, but still happening. She was shopping for a baby that she'd finally get to meet, not just a painful memory of a painful hope that would be shattered sooner or later. This was real; she would finally get a baby. So no, it wasn't too fast, it was actually late; she should have had this years earlier.

I looked at the dress in my hand, it was not what I assumed was Rosalie's style. It was something I would wear. It was comfortable and yet stylish. From those few hours, I gathered that she was not the Barbie doll type. Sure, she cared for fashion and she wanted to look good—I mean who wouldn't? Especially with her looks and money.

But that was all it was; she was keeping up appearances. She was the good housewife everyone thought she was, no one knew her pain. I wondered if anyone had helped her too, if that was the reason why she was helping me. Or, if no one did and she was doing it for herself, because no one was there. Was she doing for me what she'd wished people had done for her?

_Would you?_

Would I help someone? Sure, if it was within my abilities, if I could and had the means to do so.

I had never thought about it. But I guess I was changing, everything that had happened within these last weeks had changed me somehow. I just hoped that it was enough, but I knew it wasn't. I was too messed up and a ticking bomb. Anything could make me lose it. That was my biggest fear that I would lose it eventually, and I would hurt my baby in the process.

_Please, just let me have this baby safe and then let all hell break lose, I don't care what happens to me. Just not my baby. _

"So?"

I put on one of the many dresses and hastily stepped out from the dressing room. Rosalie stood there with her arms fold in from of her chest.

She looked at me from head to toe and sighed. "You know, if you wanted to, you'd knocked them all dead, Bella." She winked and shoved another pile of clothes in my arms.

I took her words as a compliment and turned back to try some more clothes. She reminded me of some girl playing dress up with their Barbie doll, of course, I was no Barbie doll and she wasn't a little girl.

_But who cares right? _

I needed a distraction from all the commotion in my life and Rosalie needed someone to remind her of what she would have is a few months; it was a win-win, deal.

~o~

I practically dragged her out of the store and threatened to throw all the new clothes away if she insisted on dragging me along for anymore shopping. There was only so much a person could take.

"But, Bella, we still have so many things to shop for!" Her eyes were wide as was her smile as she was no doubt mentally checking the list in the head.

I stopped walking and she collided against my back, "No, we don't. Rosalie, you almost bought breastfeeding bras and baby clothes. And I saw that weird pillow stuff. Seriously? You wanna shop for baby stuff already? I said it was fine, but it wasn't just for a pair of jeans and a couple of shirts, you emptied the place."

Her heels clicked as she jogged to catch up with me. "No, I didn't."

I just shook my head; it was pointless to argue with her, she was in her own version of Disneyland when she was in a store.

She sighed, "I'm hyper aren't I? I'm sorry, Bella, really, it's that I'm so excited, you'll meet my sister-in-law tomorrow and you'll see for yourself where I got this." She chuckled. "So, are we on for tomorrow? For dinner?" she asked hesitantly.

_Well, what the hell… it will happen at some point, you might as well just want to get over with it, Bella. _

"Yeah, sure, why not." I turned to look at her once again. "Just not too many questions okay, I don't want to answer to anything yet…" I bit my lip as I waited for her answer.

"Of course, Bella, If you feel uncomfortable you can tell me and I'll shut them up!" She chuckled.

I just shrugged, she definitely would.

After a fight with her for the cab, I left her on the curb and when straight home. The sooner I left from there the sooner it would all end.

o

A pizza later and two cokes and I was ready for packing. I would do the majority of my stuff today and the clothes tomorrow. Sunday morning the guys would be here to help me move so that only left the carrying. I would just save up some time.

Along with the pizza, I got some boxes too. First my personal stuff, and then my clothes. I had to call Angela at some point and inform her. That was going to be the hard part. She was the only real friend I had there, so that made things a little easier. She would inform the rest of them once back home and I would step by the uni to explain my year off. Ben could come and live with Ang. I had a feeling that next year she would move in with him anyway, so it'd be no problem.

My books were the easiest. I emptied the bookcase and my desk; it took almost three large boxes. I marked them with "BOOKS" in dark marker and left them open in a corner in my bedroom. If the remaining boxes wouldn't fit I guessed I could put something extra in there to save space.

All my movies and CDs went in a smaller box that wouldn't fit anything else. I marked it with "CDs - DVDs" and closed it.

I had no idea what I'd need and what was already at Rosalie's place, but I packed my paintings, my desk lamps, and on top of them I carefully placed the mirror so I could still use it until it was time to pack it too. I marked the box with "FRAGILE" and put it on top of the others.

"Ahh damn!" I gasped holding my back and my abdomen at the same time. "I guess no more packing for me, little one, huh?"

By the time I tidied my room, it was already dark outside. After a nice hot soaking bath and jammies, I curled up in front of my TV, watching lame shows and chick flicks while sipping my hot chocolate.

"Nothing can get better than this, don't you think?" I rubbed my belly affectionately. "Well, we don't want you to get stupid watching these things from such a young age now do we?"

I paused and arched an eyebrow, _am I talking to my baby bump?_

Well…

"_Go pack your stuff now, Isabella, we're leaving this hole!" Renee's angry voice rang through to house. I ran as fast as my small feet could go. I had never seen her so mad. She always threatened to leave but she never did. Dad would talk to her and calm her down, then he would take me fishing and when we'd come back she was long gone. But dad wasn't here, he was at work; I heard his talkie earlier, something had happened and he had to leave again. Renee never liked it when her plans were canceled. Maybe she wanted to leave again and he'd ruined her plans. _

_I locked my door and got in the closet. I would wait for dad to come home and talk to her again. I couldn't leave._

_I heard footsteps and then she tapped on my door. "You ready?" She turned the knob and then taped again, harder this time. "You locked the door? Now you're in trouble, Isabella!" _

_I hated it when she called me __that; I'd never heard her call me Bella. _

_A minute later, she came up again and this time she didn't knock, she unlocked the door and stepped in closing it so hard that I had to put my hands on my ears. _

Please dad, come home now, please.

"_Where the hell are you? We have to go, Isabella, come out on your own." _

_The closet door opened and a very angry looking Renee pulled me out by my hair. _

"_Ahh no, stop, please. Let me go, I'll come, I'll come. Please." I was sobbing as she dragged me downstairs, thankfully by my arm and not my hair this time._

"_You sit here until I pack and don't you dare move or I-"_

_The door burst opened and dad came in the living room running, "Take your hands off of her, Renee, NOW! If you want to leave, you can but Bella stays with me. MOVE!" He was bright red and was breathing heavily. _

_"Like you can take care of her, you're never home. You promised you'd be home with her and you left. I lost my flight because of you and now I'm stuck in this place for the whole weekend. Congratulations,_" _she screamed at him._

"_You're free to go if you want. No one is stopping you. Step away from her."_

_She huffed and ran upstairs as dad came running to me._

"_Are you okay? Did she hurt you, pumpkin?" He was looking at me from head to toe, checking my arms and legs. There was a huge red mark on my right arm from where she'd gripped me and my head felt weird but I'd had worse._

"_Let's put some ice on your arm, okay?" He picked me up and walked into the kitchen. He placed me on the counter and opened the fridge taking a bag of ice. He wrapped it with a towel and placed it on my arm._

"_Aw, dad, it hurts." I winced and pulled my arm away. He placed it back gently and held it._

_There was silence for a moment until Renee came back with a big suitcase. "I'm outta here. But I'll be back for my daughter." She smiled a weird smile that didn't reach her eyes and left leaving the door open." _

"_She won't hurt you, I'm here now." Dad kissed my bruised arm and then the top of my head. _

She won't hurt you, I'm here now.

She won't hurt you, I'm here now.

She won't hurt you, I'm here now.

Charlie was fading and all I could do was scream for him to come back and not leave me alone, but he wouldn't listen.

"Dad, no, come back, I need you. Please!" My back collided with the floor as I fell from the couch. I had fallen asleep.

Tears were streaming down my face and I was covered in sweat. I hated when I had those dreams. They felt so real it was terrifying. Subconsciously, I rubbed that spot on my right arm; sometimes I could still feel the pain from the bruise—from all the bruises, I'd had as a child. Renee's bruises still hurt me, both physically and mentally.

I picked myself off the floor and went in the bathroom to clean my face, but I knew it was pointless. This whole moving out thing reminded me of those times and my nightmares had become more frequent.

_Be patient Bella, soon it will all be over._

I got in bed praying that the remainder of my night would be free of nightmares. A long, hard day was waiting for me tomorrow and the next day. Would all the Cullen's be as kind as Rosalie? Some would, she'd told me that. I wondered if Edward would be too harsh with me for doing what was, and to Rosalie and Emmett for helping me.

I drifted to sleep with one though on my mind.

Would I be strong enough to continue till the end, no matter what?

~o~

**A/N:**** Thank you all so much for your reviews and your alerts and favs and all you who rec'd my story!**

**I added a warning just to be safe. I have all the links on my profile and the outfits for next chapter! **

**So, we saw a little from Bella's past and Edward is next, maybe….**

**What do you think he'll be doing in the story anyway?**

**Next update, soon….**

**Lots of thanks to my girls ****Feral and Ferla for making this story readable, vampireprincess1918 for being her usual self and my new pre-reader Sofia for offering her help and knowledge!**


	5. Chapter 4

**WARNING:** This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter song: Say (All I Need) – OneRepublic

**Chapter Four**

~You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. ~Desmond Tutu~

~O~

~**Bella**~

Thank God I didn't pack my clothes! After a restless night full of nightmares, I gave up at dawn and soaked in a steamy shower to calm my nerves. The calendar had a huge sign on November 15th 2009. The day I would move in with Rosalie and her husband, which scared me a little.

I wasn't a whore or anything, but I've had my fair share with guys—being in college and all. When I was younger, it was the only way of spending some time away from home; I would stay out almost all night to avoid Renee. I was the only girl of my age that would do such a thing, and almost every time I was the only one hanging with the boys. They respected me though; I was one of them—as absurd as that was. It kept me away from home though, and for that, I was gratefully.

When I woke up I was soaked in sweat and my throat was sore from yelling. I hoped Rosalie didn't mind, but it wasn't as if I could control it. Those dreams haunted my nighttime. Usually it was just a painful memory of Renee's yelling, especially when I was anxious about something. In this case, it was the move. The pregnancy hormones and all the emotions impacted from packing made the dreams unbearable. It was as if I was literally reliving those moments. I hated every second of it, but unfortunately, I couldn't go without sleep—as much as I dreaded it.

My room was spotlessly clean, so was the living room, the kitchen and Angie's room. I decided that I would wait until she came back from her trip and then tell her I was moving out. It was bad enough that I was lying to her; the least I could do it was tell her directly and not over the phone.

I texted Rosalie to ask her about tonight's dinner but didn't have a reply yet. There were two dresses laid out on my bed; one didn't even fit me now, and the other was a ridiculous sundress, totally non formal, but they were all I had. I didn't even know if we were going out somewhere or if it was a simple get together at their place. Either way I had to look presentable.

~o~

With tea in hand I headed to the library; now that I was moving out I had to stock up. Books were always my salvation, they were my only means to escape this world for a little while and visit other places. Places I would only visit through my imagination; places and eras I would never get to see. But my imagination was better than nothing.

I would read about princess and princesses and hope for someone as worthy—someone to fight for my love and love me unconditionally.

_Yeah as if…_

_You have another one to think of now, Bella. _

~o~

Thank god that there weren't lot of people that woke up bright and early just to visit the library. Normally there were a lot of people around trying to get their assignments done before deadlines. But now, I was all alone…

An hour later, after a deep search, I had an arm full of books, some pregnancy books included—I couldn't resist dammit. I headed for the cashier who looked at me as if I would break in a fast run with the books at any minute!

I pulled out my membership card. "I'm dropping out for this semester so I guess this will not be needed. I'll sign in again next year."

My hand shook as I gave it. After the packing, this was the last step that really highlighted the reality of my situation. I was dropping out of college because I was pregnant. A fact that I wouldn't have even dare to think was possible when I first started.

When I stepped outside, despite the fresh air that hit me, my knees trembled; this was real. I was really doing it. Every step along the way was a step closer. Tomorrow I was moving out and in with a bunch of strangers that would keep my baby when the time came.

I placed my hand on the wall to prevent myself from falling on the ground. My head was spinning and my legs were shaking; from the pregnancy or the realization that hit me I had no idea.

"Are you okay?" A voice behind me asked. A man.

My first reaction was to shrug away from him and leave, but when he came closer to check on me, I felt a weird buzz radiating from him. He touched my shoulder and asked me again, "Miss, are you okay?"

I turned my head to look at him, to tell him to leave me alone, but what I saw made the words choke on my throat, and not a single sound came out.

I had never in my life been a groupie, or a fan girl or even one of those girls who hooked up with every single guy then talk about him all the time like a lovesick puppy; about his pretty eyes and charming smile or his bed skills. No, I never thought much of those girls. I had never looked at anyone long enough to hold my interest in a romantic way.

But this guy… words failed me.

He indeed was gorgeous. Pretty—borderline illegal. It hurt to look at him for too long.

There were so many things to admire; his piercing green eyes that were now looking at me with obvious concern; his bronze locks with red, brown and blonde highlights of wild untamed hair pointing everywhere; his strong jaw and…

_Snap out of it__, Bella! You're ogling a stranger. A hot stranger but a stranger none the less! Jeez, pregnancy hormones getting to you already?_

His full red lips turned into a lopsided smirk; he definitely saw me ogling him. But who cares? It's not like I would ever see him again.

"I'm fine, thanks."

"You're a little pale, are you sure?"

_God __is his voice real?_

Okay, I really did need to stop thinking about him like that, but good god, his voice was like one of those radio guys you listen to late at night. That husky whisper that lulled you to sleep and you wonder if it's an ugly face behind the voice. No ugly face here though.

I nodded because I couldn't trust my voice anymore and took a step away from him. I turned my back on him and slowly walked away, but not before I caught the smell of man's cologne and peppermint.

I took a deep breath and let the smell wash over me. Too bad I didn't ask for his name.

~o~

Once home, I packed the books that I'd purchased—leaving one out for me to read—then I checked my phone again before waking out to go back on campus. I dreaded this moment. I had to inform them of my departure, and I hoped they wouldn't ask me why.

I was almost there when my phone start ringing.

"Rose, finally! I left you a message this morning but nothing."

"Hey, Bella! I'm good this morning and yourself?" She chuckled and I felt my cheeks and neck burning from my blush.

_Idiot_.

"Uh, sorry, I'm fine, thanks. You?" I mumbled nervously.

She laughed again. "I'm great, I'm just teasing you, relax. Look, tonight's dinner is in the hands of my sister-in-law, Alice, so no one knows anything. You don't know what to wear, correct?"

"I have no idea, just give me a clue and I'll pull it off." _I think. _

"Text me your address and I'll drop something off."

Yeah, like it was that simple.

_You have a __closet—well boxes now—full of her clothes and you won't take a simple dress? Yeah right, Bella._

"Um, if you want to…"

"Great! Say… one hour?"

"Yeah, see you later." I hung up and walked in the building.

I had to get this over with first and then dress-up was in order. _Great_.

Twenty minutes later and like a weight had been lifted off of my chest I walked away from the campus, turning just for a second for a wave good-bye. This time tomorrow, I would be in a car, on my way to my new residence for the next few months.

Life couldn't have changed more if I'd tried.

~o~

I had barely closed the front door when someone knocked.

"Bella, open up."

I opened the door and a very flustered and out of breath Rosalie greeted me with a wide smile.

"Hey!" She stepped in and a mountain-man stepped from behind her.

He was literally, a mountain-man—like a _huge _guy, with wide broad shoulders that barely fit through my front door. His face was like a baby's though; light blue eyes, dimples, and curly dark locks. Just the guy that could stand next to Rosalie.

My heart clenched a little; it was utterly unfair for those two not to be able to have children. Their beauty combined would give Brangelina's baby a run for her money.

"Bella, this is, Emmett, my husband. Emmett, Bella."

Just Bella.

I wondered briefly what I would be introduced as, when and if we ever ran into anyone familiar.

"Hey, Bella. It's nice to meet you. Rose won't shut up about you." He chuckled and his eyes locked with Rosalie's. The love and devotion that I saw behind them made me feel like I was intruding their private moment.

"Well, if it makes you feel better, she talked bout you all the time too. It's nice to meet you, Emmett."

He looked at me hesitantly, hands clasped behind his back.

The poor guy probably thought I would have a breakdown if he touched me.

Feeling brave, I stepped forward and gave him a little peck on the cheek and a light hug.

"I'm not going to breakdown, Emmett. I'm fine." I gave him a reassuring smile, which I shouldn't have.

I felt my bones being crushed and the air leave my lungs as Emmett enveloped me in a bone-crushing hug.

"Emmett, I need air!"

"Ow! Rose, what the hell!"

I took a deep breath and looked at Emmett who was rubbing the back of his head.

"You can't do that, Emmett! Be careful!" Rose had her hands on her hips and was giving him a pointed glare.

"Did you just smack him?" I chuckled. Who could have thought that this giant of a man would get smacked by his wife?

"Anyway, Bella, come one, I want to show you what I brought."

I hadn't noticed the plastic bags in Rosalie's arms.

_Oh boy__..._

I was greeted by a very beautiful, pink strapless dress with a chiffon drape overlay, black pip toe heels and a black clutch.

The dress was perfect—it would hide my small baby bump—and the heels looked comfy enough for me to wear all night without falling flat on my ass.

"Do you have accessories to go with it?" Rosalie asked as she went through my make-up.

"Umm yeah, I think I have a pink bracelet." I checked my jewelry box and indeed there was a pink bracelet. A forgotten last birthday present from Angela. .

"Great. Necklace or earrings?"

Surely, I could find something else I'd forgotten about. Angela had a way of buying me things she knew I wouldn't wear. She'd always make me feel guilty, telling me how she'd spent money on them, so the least I could do was to try them on from time to time.

I found a silver heart pedant necklace.

"Will this do?" I asked Rosalie as I held it for her to see.

"Perfect! Light brown smokey eyes would go perfect with your skin complexion, and make sure to take a wrap or a coat. Wavy hair." She listed and stood up. "I'll text you for the time, around seven maybe. Alice hasn't told me anything yet but I think we'll go straight to dinner—maybe drinks first, and then Carlisle and Esme will join us for dinner. She can get a little carried away from time to time, Bella, but she's great."

I followed her into the living room were Emmett was drinking apple juice.

"I see you made yourself at home!"

His eyes winded and he stood up looking at me. "I hope you don't mind, Bella."

"Of course not, Emmett. Rose!" I scolded her. Emmett was like a big baby.

She laughed and pecked him on the cheek. "I'm kidding, Em. We should go."

He wrapped his arms around her waist and nibbled at her neck. "Very funny, woman. Come on!" He smacked her ass and took her hand.

It was nice to see they were still passionate about each other. I would have preferred a little less _PDA_ but… oh well… I might as well get used it; I'll be living with them from now on.

A sudden feeling of panic overtook me. Images of Emmett around the house in his boxers and vocals from their activities in the bedroom made me panic. Could they really be that bad? I liked Emmett but the least I wanted was to look at him in his underwear for the next half-year.

Images of a certain green-eyed man with bronze locks filled my mind…

_Now that I do want to see. _

_Damn hormones!_

I shook my head to clear my thoughts; this was so hard. Even with Angela things never got bad. She was extremely shy and Ben was very careful around me.

It never occurred to me that Rosalie hadn't mention if she lived alone or with her family. Would it be easier to be around all of them?

"Bella? Are you okay?" Rosalie looked concerned. I was too lost in my thoughts to acknowledge them.

I smiled. "Yes, I'm great, and actually I can't wait to meet everybody!" Really, I was. If Rosalie, Emmett and Carlisle were this nice, their family couldn't be worse.

_Except __for Edward. _

Yeah, well not everyone should like me. I just hoped he wasn't a pain.

~o~

I looked at the mirror and didn't recognize the woman looking back at me.

Wavy, brown hair and smoky eye shadow that made my brown eyes more prominent. The dress fit me perfectly and stopped mid tight. The shoes were indeed comfortable, and I hoped they still would be by the end of the night. My necklace and bracelet fit perfectly, and for once, I felt nice. I'd even painted my nails—who would have thought! I was just a girl dressing up to have fun. I stopped thinking about the event itself. I had enough nerves for one night.

After I'd hugged the toilet again before taking a shower, I stopped thinking about it at all.

_Just have fun_.

Rosalie would be there soon. I took some calming breaths then turned slightly and looked at my baby bump. Nothing.

My phone beeped and a wave of nerves hit me again.

"Calm the fuck down, Bella; you'll end up puking all over them!" I gave myself a pointed glare in the mirror. And then I shook my head.

One step closer to craziness.

**We're out**_**. ~ **_**Rose**

_Let's get this show on the road!_

~o~

A huge black Jeep greeted me outside. I even had to ask for Emmett's assistance to lift me, because I couldn't reach on my own. I wasn't a shorty, his jeep was freaking huge!

Emmett drove like a mad man! If I had any food in my stomach, it would be all over his magnificent interior by now. Rosalie tried to make small talk while in the car but my bouncing leg gave her a loud and clear message that I wasn'tin the mood for chit-chat!

A blue sign illuminated the entire block where Emmett took a right turn. ECLIPSE was written with huge neon letters on top of a building. Tainted glasses covered the front, and a long line of people were waiting outside behind a red rope.

Emmett helped me jump out of the Jeep again then gave the keys to the valet. With Rosalie in front of us, we made our way to the line of people. I start making my way to the far end when Rosalie stepped in front of me.

"We're not waiting in the line, Bella, we'll go straight in." She took my hand and we joined Emmett who was standing in front of a huge guy outside the front doors.

"Cullen." Was all he said and the guy smiled knowingly and opened the door—much to the others dismay and to groans of protest.

_Jeez, just their name __makes doors open while people wait outside._

The inside was beautiful. Blue light illuminated the entire place, just like the sign outside. It was slightly crowded; people were both standing and sitting everywhere.

We walked straight to the back where the loud music was not pounding in my ears.

The VIP session was less crowded and quieter, which I recognized because, well, who wouldn't? The place screamed money. We walked to a huge black couch on my left where a couple was sitting, having some drinks.

"Rose! Bella!" The woman yelled and came running to us. She totally ignored Rosalie and came running to me. For the second time today, I found myself enveloped in a bone-crushing hug.

_Are these people on something?_ It made sense for Emmett but this small woman couldn't possibly have this much strength.

"Alice, I need air." Maybe I was a little dramatic but I had a strapless dress on and I could barely manage to keep it from falling off. Besides, I didn't even know this woman.

She released me and stepped back holding both my hands in hers. "It's so nice to finally meet you, oh we're going to be best friends—I just know it!"

Then she did the most uncomfortable and awkward thing, ever.

She touched my belly and stroked it while getting down on her knees to talk, "Hey there little baby. Oh I can't wait to meet you!"

I stood there frozen and couldn't even dare to look around me. This couldn't be happening to me in a club—oh God!

"Alice, for the love of god get up." The man with her, Jasper I assumed, pulled her back and held her in place to make her stop bouncing.

Drunk, she was definitely drunk.

"But look at her, she has the glow!" Her eyes were shining with excitement.

"Yeah, that's because I was puking all day. It's not _the glow_, it's _the sweat_, trust me." My cheeks flamed again.

Emmett laughed out loud and pulled us towards the booth. "Come on, people, let's sit down. I knew you'd fit in with us right away, Bella."

"Hey, Bella, I'm Jasper, it's really nice to finally meet you indeed. You'll have to excuse my wife, she can get a little carried away, but she means no harm." He chuckled as Alice elbowed him in the ribs.

"Ass."

I looked at them closely; they were a lot different. He was tall, slim with blond curls and deep green eyes, while she was a lot shorter with black short hair styled to point everywhere and violet eyes. They were so different but they seemed to fit so perfectly together that it didn't seem fair.

The waitress came for our drinks and it couldn't have been worse. What did you drink in a club besides alcohol?

"I'll have a coke," I said in a small voice. Maybe sparkling apple juice would be better?

Conversation was easy, and I found myself relaxing even more. I felt like I fit with them. I was the fifth wheel yes, but the girls never stopped talking to me. Alice complimented me on the dress, which I found ridiculous. She was wearing a silver strapless chiffon tube dress with matching clutch and heels. And Rosalie was red hot. She wore a beautiful, strapless, red dress with nude heels and a clutch. It was a good thing the place was so dark, I felt inferior in front of them.

"Esme and Carlisle will be waiting to have dinner soon. It'll be nice to get out of here, I can't wait to talk to you; I want to hear your whole life story." Alice beamed up at me. She was really nice in fact, but a little too over the top for me. As for my life story, there wasn't much that would fascinate her—nothing at all actually.

_Are __you sure, Bella?_

I groaned and downed my beverage. I wasn't ready to talk to these people—not ready at all.

"Hey, you don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to. No one is going to bother you tonight, Bella. Okay?" Rosalie gave a reassuring smile and I nodded in response.

No one had so far asked me anything, not even Emmett. It was as if we had all been friends forever. I guess the inquisition would start around dinner, but still it gave time to relax and keep myself in control. I didn't have to tell them too much; just the basics would cover it. Besides, I had a feeling that they already knew too much. Between Carlisle being my doctor and Rosalie my—whatever she was—they all had the info they needed.

~o~

We pulled up in a small bistro diner, and my stomach growled in anticipation.

"Cullen."

Again, Emmett gave the 'code' name and a waitress lead us to the far corner where Carlisle was waiting in a table for eight, with a charming woman on his side.

Of course, the whole family was breathtakingly beautiful. Carlisle was hot, especially for his age, and Esme was what I called a mother figure. Her hair was brown, like deep honey and she had chestnut eyes. She was wearing a dark grey dress with matching heels, almost no make up and a modern jacket. They simply looked adorable together.

And now I was the seventh wheel. Great.

The table was set for eight, but Edward was nowhere to be seen.

What was the guy's problem?

"Welcome, Bella, how are you?" With a polite smile, Carlisle stepped aside to greet me.

"I'm fine, thanks. You?"

"Good, good. Bella, I want you to meet my wife, Esme. Dear, this is the lovely Bella." Again, Carlisle was nervous. I hoped it wasn't something I brought out in him.

"Indeed lovely, welcome to the family, Bella. How are you today?" Her eyes held so much kindness that mine welled up in tears.

Welcome to the family, indeed. I barely knew these people, yet they treated me like family. I had just met this woman but the kindness in her eyes was tenfold what I had ever seen in Renee's.

Family. Yes, maybe this could the perfect family for my baby. I had made the right decision.

I nodded. "I'm fine, thank you. Could you excuse me for a moment?" I didn't wait for their reply; I headed for the nearest bathroom before the tears started streaming down my face.

~o~

**A/N****: Thank you all for your support! I still can't believe it! **

**The dresses are on my profile if you want to check them out.**

**Next chapter will probably be the prologue and maybe a little sooner this time. **

**Lots of thanks to my girls ****Feral and Ferla**** for making this story readable, ****vampireprincess1918 ****for being her usual self and my new pre-reader ****Sofia ****for offering her help and knowledge!**

**Untill Next Time…**


	6. Chapter 5

**WARNING:** This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter song: Savin' Me - Nickelback

**Chapter ****Five**

~Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~ Jane Howard ~

~O~

~**Bella**~

Family.

They were a family, and I would soon add one more person to the equation. I would give Esme and Carlisle a grandbaby, Rosalie and Emmett a baby and Alice and Jasper a niece or nephew.

_And Edward, don't forget about him. _

Yeah, well he didn't even bother to drag his ass there so why should I care. I was doing this for Rosalie and Emmett.

The image of those two cuddling a brown haired, brown-eyed baby filled my head, and a cold sweat covered my neck and forehead; my stomach was ready to empty its contents.

"Bella? Are you okay, dear?"

I turned around to face the woman that would put my mother to shame.

"I'm fine, Esme, thank you." I looked into her caramel eyes that were filled with concern.

Why? Why did she have to be so motherly? Why couldn't Renee be more like her? Why did she worry about me so much?

_Maybe she worries about the baby, dummy!_

Yeah, of course.

"Bella, I-I know that things are a little bit too much right now for you. I understand that you and Rosalie haven't talked much about the situation you're both dealing with. She doesn't know how to address you, how to treat you, or how to even ask you how you're doing without referring to the baby. She believes this is too much for you. Is it? It's totally okay if you feel pressured, if you want to keep it or—"

"What?" I interrupted her. What was she saying about the baby? "What are you talking about? Of course not, Esme, I haven't changed my decision about the baby. This is just too much…" I hesitated, there was something that was wandering in my head for a while, and there were things that I still didn't know about this family. "Why do you all care?" I whispered and looked down at my feet.

I knew that they were all so protective of each other, but they barely knew me and yet they treated me like family and not because of the baby, but they did it because they really cared. To me that was odd.

My own mother didn't care for me.

She smiled and took my hand. "Because I'm a mother." She looked me in the eyes before continuing. "You don't know, do you?"

I shook my head. "Know what?"

She took a deep breath, "Rosalie, Alice, Emmett, Edward, and Jasper. They're not my biological children, Bella; none of them."

Silence.

I thought that at least one of them was. With them being paired up and all, I figured that they weren't all siblings in the biological sense, but none of them?

I exhaled and shook my head. "What? Not even Rosalie and Jasper?" Rosalie's features were exactly like Carlisle, and Jasper's figure and curls resembled Esme. Alice, although she looked like both of them, her hair and eyes were nothing alike. And Emmett; well he was definitely not their child. As for Edward, I had yet to meet him.

"No, none of them. Emmett was the first that joined the family and took our name though he uses both, but that's another story. Edward and Alice came next, and Emmett and Alice brought Jasper and Rosalie. It's best if they tell you their story. As of mine; Well, I didn't have exactly what they call a fairytale life. Far from it.

My parents, the Platt's, they were cruel. My father only cared for our finances, so when it was time for me to marry, he chose the richest husband, the one who offered the most. It didn't matter to him that he was almost as old as him and a drunk. Charles Evanson was a cruel man, after our wedding night he went back to his affairs—not that I cared much; it was good to be left alone. One night apparently was enough for him. During his drunken nights, he would beat me up and then leave me sobbing on the floor. Two years later, we still didn't have any children. I went to my mother to ask her for help, but she refused. She was somewhat pleased to see me suffering. Her marriage to my father wasn't pleasant either, and she felt good not to be the only one suffering.

When I finally got pregnant, I thought that I had at least nine months without Charles's beating me. Unfortunately he cared little for the baby. I knew I had to do something but there wasn't anything I could do. When it was time for me to give birth, I walked to the hospital. I would have taken his beatings anytime if it meant for me to become a mother. My arms were aching to hold my precious baby. I wanted it more than anything. I knew I had to take it and leave, and that's what I planned on doing. Unfortunately, when I gave birth, the baby was long dead. The doctor, which was Carlisle, informed me that the baby hadn't made it through the last months."

I was stunned, tears running down my cheeks. Her poor baby. I rubbed my own belly affectionately. I couldn't even imagine what she had been through.

She ripped us both some paper towel from the vanity and we wiped our tears away.

"If I had gone to the hospital earlier I would have saved it. He was so tiny; when Carlisle gave him to me he was so tiny. He insisted that it wasn't healthy for me to have him, but I couldn't care less at that point. The moment Carlisle left the room to prepare for the baby's burial I left.

I walked, and I walked and I walked. I walked until my feet ached; I walked until I ended up on a cliff. Nothing had meaning in my life at that moment. No one would look for me. Father was too occupied with the family. I was an only child, and he wanted a boy. Mother was trapped in a loveless marriage herself. And Charles had other affairs that occupied his time. My baby and I were all alone. I took a step forward and I was ready to jump when a voice cut through the silence.

"_Don't do __it, Esme."_

It was Carlisle; he had found me. He walked all the way from the hospital to find me.

He held his arms open for me and took each step carefully closer to me. Once I was safe and far away from the cliff, he hugged me. "Everything will be okay, trust me."

That's all he said to me, and I did; I trusted him. After the burial, he took me home and helped me pack those few things I had, and then he went to my father and talked to him. I never saw Charles again. A couple of months later the divorce was official and I began planning a new life with Carlisle." She signed and took a deep breath, the smile forming in her face again. "It was hard at first, I couldn't get over my baby's loss, but Carlisle did everything he could to distract me as much as possible." She took my hand in her warm ones and looked in my eyes. "I still haven't gotten over it yet. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about my baby, what it would be like to have him around with the family, but I look in my children's eyes and I know that I still have him alive in my mind and heart. Being a mother is the greatest gift, Bella, and no matter what, you love your baby even if sometimes you can't show it properly."

I had a feeling that Esme wasn't talking about herself but my own mother—or worst, me.

Did she think my choice of giving the baby for adoption was wrong? But she did it herself, so why would she think that I was doing the wrong thing. She'd adopted!

I raised my eyebrow at her. "What does that mean exactly?"

"Bella, Are you sure that what you're doing is what you really want?"

Her question caught me off guard and honestly, I didn't have an answer.

I wanted my baby to be safe and loved. I wanted my baby to have a mother that would always be there. I wanted my baby with me—of course I did; I loved that little thing with all my heart. But I wasn't born to become a mother, and after all that I'd been through, I knew that the baby would suffer with me.

"_Just pack your shit and get the hell out of my house, Renee! Right now!" I pulled the blanket over my __head, closed my eyes tight and pressed my hands against my ears to block the sounds of their yelling, but I could still hear them._

"_If I leave, I'll take Isabella with me and you'll never see her. EVER!" Renee screamed at the top of her lungs. _

_Tears welled up behind my __eyelids; I tried to push them back. The last thing I wanted was for her to take me away from Charlie. _

_A humourless chuckled followed Renee's words, and then Charlie spoke in what I could only call his 'cope voice', "You listen to me and you listen to me good, you will never, ever, take Bella away from me. I will hunt you down and lock you in myself if you ever think about it. Am I making myself clear? You'll leave her out of this!"_

"_She's my daughter!"_

"_Just because you share the same DNA doesn't make her your daughter! Why don't you leave, anyway? You don't care about her and you sure as hell don't care about me. So why are you still here anyway? Leave."_

_Renee chuckled__.__ "Oh, but she is my daughter, and just like you said, we do share the same DNA, which makes her exactly like me. Never forget that. I will never leave her with you and that—"_

"_One more word, just one more word, that's all I need, Renee!" Charlie cut her off. The front door slammed closed._

Renee was right. I was her daughter and sadly, the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

I looked at Esme with sad eyes and nodded. "Yes, I know what I'm doing. And it is the right thing. It's what I want."

A family for my baby.

~o~

Back at the table, everyone was engaged in small talk that stopped as soon as we came closer.

_Not awkward at all. _

"Are you okay?" Rosalie whispered to me when I took my seat next to her at the table.

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, everything is fine. I just had a small chat with Esme. She seems really nice." I smiled

Rosalie's smiled widened. "I told you you'd like her."

I ordered a _chicken__ & __mushroom marsala__ and coke. After a hesitant first bite, I smiled and started eating without worrying that I might throw up at any minute._

_"You still have morning nausea?" Esme asked from across the table with an understanding smile._

_"Yeah, though this isn't morning nausea at all; it's all the damn time." I sighed frustrated and then my cheeks flashed. "Oh god, I'm so sorry." I looked at them with sad eyes._

_Jasper chuckled next to Alice. "It's okay, Bella, around Emmett you'll see that you don't have to hold your tongue—and Rosalie!" He laughed._

_I chuckled. Indeed Rosalie didn't look like the type that held back anything._

_"Ginger." _

_I turned my head and look at Esme confused._

_"Take everything with ginger;__ it will help with the nausea." She smiled._

_"Really? Oh, wow, __thanks, Esme."_

_This th__ing had a cure? Thank you, ginger!_

_After a few minutes of silence, Carlisle__ took a sip from his white wine and turned to me._

_"Tomorrow after you get settled in, I'd like to see you in my office if that's okay with you, Bella. Or Monday morning; I don't mind."_

_I nodded my head.__ "Um, yeah sure. Can I ask you something?" He nodded, and I proceeded. "Is it okay if I keep running? I've always liked to run. When I was young, it helped me stay on my own two feet without falling all the time. I'd love to keep it up."_

_Really,__ I did, but it never crossed my mind to ask him about it. I knew that I could still run as long as it was mild; I was doing it regularly before I got pregnant. I just wanted for a little longer to maintain the charade. I couldn't think of him as my doctor tonight. He knew too much, and that conversation would only bring up other stuff. I wasn't ready._

_I touched my forehead with the back of my hand to stop some of the dizziness. I was sweating bullets and my heart was beating furiously in my chest._

_They know __anyway, so why would you delay it? Just spit it out. Say what you want to say—it'll be all good._

_I __took a deep breath and exhaled. Now or never._

_"I know that you don't know me,__" I paused and looked at them one by one. Curiosity was plastered across their faces. "But, I chose to do this, and I feel so lucky to have found such a wonderful family to care for my baby," I paused again. _

_A wonderful family for my baby. It sounded foreign even on my own ears! _

_What are you doing, Bella?_

_"So, um, I know tha__t you may have questions for me—I get it really—but I can't answer you now. I'm just going to say that I had a rough childhood. When I lost my dad, basically I lost everything, and now all I want is my baby to be in good hands." I took a deep breath and raised my head to look at them._

_Instead of sad smiles, I saw wide eyes swimming in tears with hopeful smiles. _

_"We are here; we will help you get through this as a family." Esme reached across the table and took my hand. _

_"Yeah, that's right, little sister." Jasper and Alice next to her reached over too and placed their hands over Esme's._

_"You already know it, Bella." Rosalie and Emmett placed their hands over Jasper's._

_"A family."__ Carlisle placed his hand on top of ours on the table and looked at me with those warm blue eyes—the kind ones. _

_A family._

_Indeed. __My baby's family._

_~o~_

Throughout dinner, we had small talk, and I learned a little bit more about their histories.

Jasper was born in Texas. He went from one foster family to another after his parents died in a horrible fire one night. It left him with bitter memories and scars, both physical and psychological. I didn't want to pry so I didn't ask him about the scars since there wasn't anything visible. But the sad, melancholic tone in his voice gave me the impression that he would rather have a million scars if it meant that his parents were still alive.

Alice was a little quieter than she was in the club, but I didn't push for answers. She looked like a really friendly person, but judging by the whole family I'd learned, even in just one night, that these people had heavy backgrounds. Maybe that was what I needed; someone who knew what it felt like to be broken.

Emmett was indeed the first to join the family after Carlisle had treated his mother at the hospital and she left him there. Rosalie's parents were never around much but they showed their love from afar by sending cheques.

Alice kept her eyes down and never uttered a single word.

She and Edward continued to remain a mystery to me.

I hugged everyone goodbye with the promise to meet the next day at Rosalie's for lunch. I was going to meet Carlisle Monday morning at his office, after all.

"Um, you don't live together, do you? All of you I mean?" I asked when we got in the car.

Rosalie turned her head to look at me from the passenger seat.

"No, we live in my parent's house, just a couple of minutes outside the city; Carlisle and Esme, Jaz and Alice live a couple of minutes away from us. You'll love the house, Bella. There's a road where you can run too if you want, though we have a gym that you can use freely. And, oh, I have to warn you, the house is quite big. It's been in the family for ages, so don't be surprised."

~o~

Maybe it was because I'd had a great night and there was no reason for me to be anxious, but whatever the reason, I was grateful! It was my first night that I didn't have any nightmares, and I didn't wake up to kiss the toilet too! But as soon as I opened my eyes a wave of panic washed over me.

I was moving in with Rosalie and Emmett!

During dinner last night, I'd asked Rosalie if she lived alone or with the whole family. To be honest I didn't know if it made me feel better knowing that she lived alone with Emmett, but I knew I would find out soon enough.

An hour later and after I had a greasy breakfast, I saw a huge white moving truck park outside. Two cars followed; Emmett's huge Jeep and a Volvo.

Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper and Alice—who were all dressed casually, though I still noticed the designer labels—strolled into my apartment with coffee and muffins in hand.

I was greeted with a chorus of good mornings and how-are-you-todays, when Rosalie handed me a cup.

"This is for you; its tea. We had a fight over whether you liked tea or a milkshake, and I won. Didn't I?" She looked at me with huge, excited eyes.

I chuckled and took a sip.

_O__h dear Lord…_

I smiled widely. "You did today. I'll let you know tomorrow though."

Her eyes softened and she nodded. "You packed already?"

From the bedroom, Emmett had already lifted two boxes and was carrying them outside.

"Um, yeah I did it yesterday and the rest of it this morning so we could leave early."

My room only had a bare bed now and some furniture.

"You won't need any; your room is awesome—if I do say so myself." Alice smiled next to me.

I turned to look at her. Normal hair and shades in place.

"You can take the glasses off now, Alice." I laughed but she didn't respond.

Her lips turned into a frown and she hung her head.

"No, Bella, I can't take them off." I watched as she walked slowly into the living room. She looked like a small girl, instead of a young woman all of a sudden.

~o~

Half an hour later, my things were in the tuck, and I was ready to leave.

"Are you okay? The truck has left—are you ready?"

"Rosalie, I would like to take a cab actually. I have somewhere I want to go. Is that okay?"

She nodded hesitantly and took her phone. Mine beeped and she put hers in her pocket.

"I sent you the address. I'll pay the cab. Call me if you need anything okay?"

Then she did the unexpected. She hugged me. A real, sister-like hug.

_Could I ever see her like a sister?_

"Take as much time as you need."

And then I was alone.

In my empty apartment.

Empty.

~o~

When I was a teenager, I went through a bad stage where all I wanted was to forget everything. So I drank—a lot. I went from party to party and drunk myself into oblivion. It was during one of those days and at some random beach party when I discovered a lovely place. A small house on a cliff by the beach.

I sat there and cried, just like I always did. I thought about my past, and I cried until there wasn't anything left to cry about; I cried until there weren't anymore tears left to cry.

It was cold.

I could tell that much because my skin was covered in goose bumps, but to me it felt like my skin was on fire. I had no idea for how long I was sitting there watching the waves crashing with one another, surrounded by the breeze. All I was thinking about was my next move—my next destination. The one that would change my whole life and then some…

I tried to recall when I made this decision, but I couldn't. Was it the moment I found out? Was it the moment I got the call? Was it the moment he told me what my case was? Was it the moment I told him what my plans were? Was it the moment I saw the love in her eyes; the one I was supposed to have but couldn't find the strength in me to have? Was it when I realized what was right and what was wrong?

I couldn't tell.

All I knew was that this was the right thing to do, for me, for_ it_.

I loved it; I knew that much. It wasn't enough, though; not for my case. Because right or wrong, love wasn't always enough to overcome every challenge. Especially not a challenge like this.

I watched the deep blue of the sea combine with the blue of the sky. This place was my sanctuary; the place I discovered. The place where I cried for what had happened. The place I knew I might never see again.

I preferred to take a cab back, because I knew if I rode with one of them, it would be harder to say goodbye and have peace of mind for a little while. They would question me, like always. They only wanted to make me feel better, comfortable even and relaxed but it felt unfair. It all felt unfair to me. They should not have to be nice to me. The arrangement was sealed by now, but still they all were. Was it a trick or just kind-hearted people around me for once?

Was this what it felt like to be loved? Was it?

I never knew. Would I ever find out? I never knew…

I climbed off the rock I was sitting on and smoothed out my pretty dress—my dress courtesy of her.

My old wardrobe was given away, and my new clothes were expensive and smooth. All silks and cottons, and they fit me perfectly.

I only had a small purse with me, because all my suitcases—all my new clothes—were already there, at their place.

I sighed.

Their place. It would always be their place, and the fact that I would be staying there for almost a year was insignificant to me.

I didn't want to seem ungrateful—I was far from it—but it felt wrong to put them in such a difficult position, and to move there with them.

Well…

_Who am I kidding?_

Their place was that big that probably no one would even notice me.

It was the one thing I couldn't provide for myself; the luxury of a home like that. Hell, even the smallest room in there was something I couldn't afford.

That was my problem.

In the cab, all I saw was a blur of green trees and little houses here and there, but other than that, my thoughts were occupied to the maximum.

How could I live with so many people for so long? I never had a brother or a sister; it was always just me and Charlie and sometimes Renee—when she could visit us.

Other than that, my knowledge and experiences were limited. I had a pretty good idea that I could be a pain in the ass some times and be a little annoying—especially when Charlie ignored me. But, I was just a kid.

Charlie, my dad. I never called him that, well… not as much as I should have. What would he have thought of me now, if he saw me like this? If he knew what I was about to do? Would he agree?

I knew the answer to that one. Of course he wouldn't. He would never agree to that. I was the living proof.

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I gazed at the blur again.

From all my options was this was the most … moral one? The one that would make me feel better? The one that would put me at ease at last?

I wasn't a cold-blooded murderer; I knew that. That was not even an option for me. So yes, this was the right one.

But, if this was the right one, why? Why didn't it feel right?

_Because you'll always know_!

I hated my subconscious sometimes! But it was true, I'd always know; the house, the faces, everything. And it would kill me to leave it all behind, but I knew I had to, all along. There was no escape, no turning back. It was too late and I had to fix some of the mess I'd created.

The faces.

Her face when I told her; her tight hug and the hot tears of happiness streaming down her face. I'd created that. I'd made her happy and I was partially proud of it, but only partially. What would make her happy would be the death of me. What would make her happy would make me miserable, but there was no other choice.

I should've considered myself lucky, though. My mind was protecting me and for that, I was eternally grateful. I longed for oblivion, instead of memories. I welcomed it.

I knew it wouldn't last, but I hoped for time; time to heal and time to be free. Whatever that meant in my case.

The cab stopped while the gate opened and my blood ran cold in my veins. It was time.

Time to face the music.

My destination had come to an end, and I still felt unresolved. But it didn't matter. This wasn't about me anymore; not anymore.

The cab stopped in front of the big white door. The house was marvellous, like the ones you usually vision in a fairytale; like a medieval castle, but more modern and welcoming, somehow.

_No witches and dragons in there, Bella. You're safe here._

The door opened and she walked out smiling and beaming at me, like a child would on Christmas; waiting for the present.

She paid the cab driver and I stepped out.

"Bella, you're finally here. Welcome." She hugged me tightly again and it felt nice, just like the last time she hugged me. Her happiness was radiant and it touched me somehow. I was making her happy; I was the reason, and that made me happy too. At least, I could change _her life_ instead of mine.

"Thank you, Rosalie." I smiled back and it wasn't forced.

"Come inside, are you cold? Do you want anything? Your room is ready. Maybe a hot bubble bath would be great, what do you think?" She forced a smile this time trying to hide her nervousness.

I wanted to laugh. She was the one that was nervous? What was I suppose to be?

"It's okay. I'm fine, but thanks."

She nodded and her blond hair fell off her shoulders. She looked at me expectantly and sighed. "Are you sure you're okay, Bella? Have you… um… have you changed your mind?" Panic washed her features and at once her skin paled.

"No, of course not, Rosalie!" The words were out of my mouth before I even had a chance to register them in my mind.

That's it—of course that was it! How could I change my mind, especially when she was here and I could see the love in her eyes, even now?

She took a deep breath and visibly relaxed. "Good, that's um… good! Great! Thank you, Bella. Thank you for doing this." She smiled and I could almost see the tears behind her blue eyes.

"I should be the one to thank you. You are the best person for this and I know it. I trust you." And it wasn't a lie.

She hugged me again and this time, my arms went around her as well. "It means the world to me. You have no idea what you are doing for me, Bella. It's like you are giving me my life back." Her voice cracked at the end and I knew there were tears on her cheeks.

A figure stood by the door nervously watching the two of us.

"Rose? Everything okay?" He glanced at Rosalie with sad eyes and then me. "Bella, welcome." He smiled. He had those cute dimples.

Rosalie released me and turned to Emmett. "Everything is perfect. Get Bella's bag while I show her to her room." She took my hand and we were inside the house. The house that would be my home for the next 8 months; the house where I'd leave a piece of me behind, and never come back.

~o~

**A/N: Thank you all for your response! I'm sorry for being late but RL is hard. I don't know how long it'll be till the next chapter but I'll try to update in time. All pics are on my profile.**

**So what are your thoughts about Esmee's past? Review and let me know. Who do you want next? Edward won't be MIA for long, promise!  
**

**Lots of thanks to my girls ****Feral and Ferla**** for making this story readable, ****vampireprincess1918 ****for being her usual self and my pre-reader ****Sofia ****for offering her help and knowledge!**


	7. Chapter 6

**WARNING:** This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter song: Cry – Jason Walker

**Chapter ****Six**

~ The past is strapped to our backs. We do not have to see it; we can always feel it. ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960 ~

~O~

_**~Bella~**_

The house was magnificent.

It was huge; probably more suitable for the whole family rather than just the two of them, but still beautiful.

Hardwood floors and cream colored walls was the first thing I saw. I was surprised to say the least, I expected modern art and crazy decorating and colors. But this felt lived in and homey. It still was huge and screamed money but it was home.

"Huge huh?" Rosalie chuckled next to me.

"Huge."

It was.

"It's ancient actually, but I like it. I try to keep it as real as possible, but when you have so much time, space and money with nowhere to spend it on, you take it out on the house."

I gave her a weird look. "You don't look like the type that would spend tons of money on furniture and wallpapers—or whatever."

She gave me a small smile. "I don't want to sound like a spoiled rich girl—which I am, kinda—but trust me, I do spent hours and tons of money decorating." She turned her gaze and looked up the huge staircase that lead upstairs. "I'll show it to you later."

Emmett joined us with a smile. "You're all set." He looked at Rosalie and then me. "I'll leave you two at it then. Tour and look around, do your things. I'll be out and I'll get some lunch on my way home." He kissed Rosalie and then enveloped me in a soft hug unlike the one I was expecting from him. "Welcome home."

Home.

Was it really a home to me now?

Mine maybe not. But I could feel it.

It was a home for my baby.

~o~

Rosalie showed me around the house and I felt like I was in a museum. I was afraid to touch anything in case I broke it.

This place was fully stocked. You could lock me in there for the rest of my life and I'd still be grateful. It had a gym, a home theater, an indoor _and_ outdoor pool—because one apparently wasn't enough.

She showed me around the house, up and down the staircase, outside and in. Everything looked beautiful. Extraordinary and like from another time. Rosalie, with Esme's help had managed to keep the house in its original condition, only adding a few details of her own. Every corner screamed money and care. She cared for this place and I could see it with my own eyes. Rosalie was grasping everything she could and kept herself busy with it.

She was either busy with the house—even the garage was so beautiful that I still couldn't believe it was all her doing-or her charity or shopping. Or anything that she could change; anything that she could make a difference at.

We were walking towards another room when she turned to me. "I have a feeling you'll like this particular room, I haven't touched it. It was how my great grand-father had it, and I couldn't bring myself to change anything." With that, she opened the door and took a step back to let me through.

It was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen in my entire life.

Before I'd left my apartment with Angela, I'd visited the library to get as many books as I could. And now, I didn't even need them. Rosalie's great grand-father owned the largest collection of books I had ever seen.

I could tell the books were old because of their looks, and that particular scent in the air; the musky smell of paper. My palms twitched as I took the sight in; large, floor length bookcases covered the walls. There was a large oak desk and a leather sofa across the room, in front of a large window that looked out at the beautiful garden and large pillows on the floor.

I looked around in awe; I felt like a kid in a candy store, or better yet, my own version of Disneyland.

"Rosalie, this is… unbelievable!" Giddiness overtook me and I wanted to squeal like a little girl!

She chuckled and walked to the window, then pulled the blinds and opened them letting fresh air in. "I thought you might like it. I'll leave the window open for a bit and we'll continue on our tour and then you can come back if you want."

I said a silent goodbye and a mental wave to the library, as if I'd never see it again, and followed Rosalie.

On the second floor were a study, and a million other doors we didn't open.

Rosalie's bedroom was by far the largest; of course, though I had a feeling the other rooms weren't small by any means either. I had yet to see mine.

She led me to the end of the corridor and paused outside.

The hidden secret. Immediately it felt like I was in the movies where you stand in front of a room and you just know it's no good to get in.

"I want to show you something." She signed and took my hand.

"It's the nursery, from my first pregnancy"—she closed her eyes and a pained expression marred the features. Tears started spilling and rolling down her cheeks—"from my second pregnancy actually. When I start making it, it was unisex, but then everyday I would add something for a girl or a boy, and to be honest I still do. Every time I'm out shopping I buy something. It's weird to explain it but this is my favorite room, and I sometimes spend half the day in here just looking at the furniture and the stuffed animals, or rearranging the wardrobes and refolding the tiny clothes."

She shook her head. "You might think I'm crazy but I really can't help it either."

The door opened and she stepped in.

I had never, up until now, had thought about the nursery; maybe a crib next to my bed, or a small room full of baby stuff. But what I saw shocked me. The nursery wasn't big, no; it was small, cozy, airy and sunny, and warm from the sunlight that lit up the whole room. A crib, a small dresser, a closet and a table were at the right side of the room and on the left was a changing table, a rocking chair, a couch and a small table.

It was like a small bedroom fully stocked for a baby.

The walls were covered in light green paint, with white and colorful flowers and white plush carpet covered most of the hard hardwood. The furniture was all in white, and the only color in the room was from the sun and the stuffed animals; some big ones on the floor and some small ones everywhere around the room.

"Rosalie…" I trailed not knowing what to say. She had everything in place; she had thought of every single detail.

"There's also a crib in your room and a rocking chair as well. So the baby won't have to be alone in here from the beginning."

I turned and looked at her stunned. "What?"

Up until now I was under the impression that I wouldn't be around the baby much after the delivery.

She furrowed her eyebrows and laughed. "Bella, I'm not going to ban you from the baby." She fidgeted with her hair and then she nodded towards the couch. "Let's talk for a while, shall we?"

We sat down and she took my hand.

"There's a lot that you don't know about me yet. I blame myself for this situation—"

"Rosalie, no," I interrupted but she shook her head.

"It's true, let me finish. Please."

I nodded and kept quiet while she talked.

"Back in high school, in Washington, I was sophomore when this guy made a pass at me. Royce; he was your typical spoiled rich kid that thought money could buy everything. I didn't give in and he backed down. On my junior year, the Cullens moved to Washington and Emmett was in my class," she paused and smiled at the memory. "From the first day, I knew it; he was the one and that was it. Everything was perfect until the next year. During our junior year, Royce kept quiet, he didn't talk to me but he was around. He and Emmett were on the same basketball team so it was inevitable; he and Emmett got into a fight. It was about me; Royce made a nasty comment and Emmett snapped. But despite that, nothing else could have warned us about what was to come." She took a deep breath and exhaled. "A few months before graduation, at some house party, Emmett was late and I went alone. Everything was fine and I just got bored and left. On my way home, someone stopped me."

I gasped and shook my head. I knew the rest. I knew what she wanted to say and I didn't need to listen, but I knew she wanted to say it anyway. So I kept quiet.

"Yes, Bella. It was Royce and you can figure out the rest. I was left bleeding, and all I wanted was to die right that moment. I didn't want Emmett to find me. He would kill him, and I didn't want that. I tried to get up and leave but I couldn't. I woke up the next day in the hospital. Long story short, Emmett had found me and he took me to Carlisle. He did a rape kid and he had to physically keep Emmett from attacking Royce.

He had good lawyers and they barred the whole thing. There was nothing we could do, and frankly all I wanted was to move and leave it all behind me. That is until Carlisle told me I was pregnant."

That was when everything clicked.

Rosalie's kindness.

Emmett's protective side.

Esme's devotion to her family.

The whole kindhearted family.

Carlisle's words.

_"Why? Why do you care? I'm just another victim. Why do you care?" I blinked my eyes to prevent myself from crying, but it was inevitable. Tears streamed down my cheeks._

_"You're not just another victim, and that's why I'm here, Bella. But I'll tell you that story another time. I think you've had enough for today. Get some sleep and we'll talk again tomorrow," he said gently._

Rosalie's words.

_"Bella, I know that you feel like a victim right now, or maybe not at all because of your memory loss but trust me, when the time comes and you remember, I want you to remember my words; it's not your fault. Right now actually it might be good that you don't remember, that will allow your mind to heal it self and thing about the present and your baby, not that night, it would be too much for you to remember that night." She looked away but I could see the sadness in her eyes. It was heartbreaking. It was like she knew how I'd feel. Like she'd been there… could she really? Had that happen to her too?_

It had. It had happened to her too.

Suddenly as if my own pain wasn't enough, I could feel hers too. She was re-living her memories. Her rape; mine. Her pain; mine. Everything was double now.

And the baby. She had lost hers somehow. But mine was still alive; her last chance. My baby was Rosalie's last chance at happiness.

"The baby?"

Pain marred her beautiful features and her eyes welled up with tears. "Somehow, he found out about the baby. To him, it was a proof of that night. Emmett and I agreed that we'd keep it no matter what. I didn't want it though; that baby was a burden to my life. I would have to take care of it and I would have to put my life on hold for it. It was a burden and a bitter proof." She gasped and a silent sob rocked her shoulders. "I didn't want it, Bella—I didn't. All I could think of was 'why me'; I thought it was unfair and I hated it. God, I hated it for existing; I hated it for reminding me of him—of what he did to me; to us. I couldn't look at Emmett; I couldn't stand him in the same room—with none of them. I couldn't look into their eyes. I felt shame, pain… despair. That was all I felt, and I wanted to make it stop. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't make my thoughts stop only for a second. I had his voice in my head and his breath on neck; I could feel his hand on me everyday and I hated myself." She was sobbing and shaking.

"_Right now, actually, it might be good that you don't remember. Your mind needs to be allowed to heal itself, and focus on the present and your baby, not that night; it would be too much for you to remember that night." _

That's what she meant. She knew better than anyone what it would be like. She had her memories and no time to heal, and a baby. I on the other hand, I had no memories, hopefully plenty of time to heal and a baby.

We were so much alike it was scary. It was like she was sent to help me and vice versa.

"I'm so sorry." And I was. For her, for me, and for the babies. How unfair life could be.

"He somehow found out about the baby; I was two months pregnant when again, someone attacked me on my way home. It was clear as day that they were after the baby. They punched me in the stomach and that was it. Again, Emmett found me bleeding. My wish had become true. I didn't want it and suddenly I didn't have it anymore. It was all my doing." She was drained. Her eyes were bloodshot and her skin was pale and red from crying. She looked like she'd suddenly aged ten years, and all the pain and hurt was evident in her blue eyes.

There was only so much a person could take and Rosalie Hale had already reached her breaking point.

"No, Rose, don't say that. You were young and it was traumatising. It's only natural for you to think that way," I tried to comfort her.

She wiped her eyes and looked at me confused. "Did you? Did you have the same thoughts as I did?" She looked hopeful; she hoped she wasn't the only one.

"No."

Her eyes filled with tears again. "See? You wanted it from the beginning."

"No, I may have wanted it from the beginning but I'm different. Would you give your baby away?"

I didn't need her to answer. I knew she wouldn't. After all that was the reason that would make her such a good mother soon. She wouldn't think twice about keeping it.

She shook her head. "It was a slap in the face, Bella. I learned my lesson and there's no way I can go back and change it. I have accepted it by now, but it still hurts. I still fill like I'm getting punished for that thought. It's like my wish had come true only for me to find out that it was the opposite from what I truly wanted."

~o~

Seven a.m. and I was dressed in gym clothes, and sneakers with my hair in a ponytail. I'd had barely three hours sleep until I gave up two hours ago and start cooking. Two different kinds of cakes were spread out, and a full breakfast of fresh squeezed oranges and all kinds of eggs and bacons a person could think. It was the least I could do to keep my mind off the terrible dreams that had hunted my night, again. Rosalie's story combined with mine had made my dreams a living hell.

After I was done, I made my way to my bedroom—my huge and beautiful bedroom—and got dressed. I had asked Carlisle about running and I was going to start making it a habit if it kept my mind off of things; or, if it gave me time to think as much as possible. At this point I didn't know which was better.

It took me a while but when I walked toward the back of the house—I remembered the beautiful view from the library which kinda made me think twice about the running part, but as soon as I saw the trail I start running.

What started as a light jog turned into full run; I was gasping for breath and panting and sweating like a pig, but I enjoyed it to no end. Running was accelerating. It made me feel like the little girl I used to be, free from all the trouble and stress.

I was far from it but, still, it felt good.

Running back to where I started from, I stood on a rock trying to catch my breath and drink some water.

_You have another one to think of__, Bella! _

I was running to slow my breathing when someone came running from behind and hit my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, but what are you doing here and who are you?" A breathless voice asked me and I turned. No one could be out there since this was the family's property and I had met all of them so that only left one person.

Edward Cullen.

_The hot stranger!_

Well, I guess he wasn't a stranger anymore.

"Hey, I've met you before, right? That girl from the library?" He was still breathing deeply and he managed to smile a little before a frown appeared. "What are you doing here? Are you Rosalie's friend?"

He was asking questions so fast I could barely keep up. I was still trying to connect the stranger with Edward Cullen. How could he be the guy that supposedly hated my guts?

"Um, yeah, I live here now." That would give him a clue. Surely he had heard that I would be staying there.

Just as the words were out, his eyes darkened and his jaw tightened. His palms turned into painfully looking fists, his knuckles turning white as he kind of paled.

What the fuck was his problem?

He didn't look me in the eyes, but he did glance at my stomach with a weird look on his face. Instinctively I covered it with my hand and rubbed soothing circles.

_What ever he says won't affect us, little one._

He chuckled humourlessly. "At least I see you're a little protective. Not so much though." His dark eyes locked with mine again. "Are you sure running is a good idea? Shouldn't you be more careful or don't you give a shit at all?" he sneered with a disgusted look.

I flinched; this guy was not the one I met that day! He was a monster.

"What is your problem, pal? Are you always like this?"

"You know nothing about me!"

I shrugged and picked up my bag. "I won't say it was nice to meet you because it wasn't, but really, I can't believe how different you are from the rest of them." I shook my head in disbelief. Esme Cullen couldn't have raised him like this.

"So, you really live here?"

I didn't bother answering him as I walked away.

Edward Cullen indeed was weird, but at this point I couldn't care less. My life was complicated as it was, I didn't need to add him into the equation.

~O~

**A/N: So sorry for the huge delay, but RL happens. Next update ASAP. **

**Lots of thanks to my beta Feralness Is Me and Helen for the chapter song and pre-reading!**


	8. Chapter 7

**WARNING:** This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter song: Trying - Lifehouse

**Chapter ****Seven**

~"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." ~ Maria Robinson ~

~O~

_**~Bella~**_

The familiar smell of the library did wonders. Lost in my own little world, reading and trying to picture the places and the beautiful world of my book—putting myself in the heroine's place—I sat next to the window, finally enjoying a moment of peace.

To say that today was an eventful day would be an understatement. After my sleepless night and my encounter with Edward, I knew I had to tell Emmett and Rosalie what transpired between the two of us.

_I was sure my face was pale as I entered __the house, but really, who could blame me? I just had a fight with a person I hardly knew!_

_I could hear plates and silverware clicking in the kitchen but I could barely move. All I wanted was to go to my room and curl in a ball and whip like a little girl. And I _had_ done than more than I cared to remember, actually._

_He was the first to treat me this way since I found out I was pregnant. The Cullens were all great and they didn't judge me, so I had sort of gotten used to it. But this, this was unlike anything I had ever felt._

_Well, not exactly, Renee would always be number one._

_It got me to think though, who was right?_

_The Cullens; who wanted to shield me and protect me from my problems and actually take care of me now that I obviously could not do it myself? _

_Or, Edward?_

_I didn't know the reasons behind his actions or t__he hostility towards me but there _must_ have been a great reason why he treating me that way. _

_Or else, he __was just insane, simple as that._

_Everyone, though, had warned me that he wouldn't welcome me with open arms and that he was the one against my decision. Again, I didn't know the reason behind his attitude._

_It was refreshing though. In a wicked, twisted way, Edward made me see the reality again. The bubble that the Cullens had built around me the past few days had cracked a little. I couldn't live under their shadow forever. I knew that I would have to leave the house at some point, and that the more I pushed those thoughts away, the more difficult it would be for me to adjust back to my old life. _

_While I lived with them, I had to put my priorities in order. I had to sort out the things that needed to be done and get on with it._

_I made a mental note to call Angela as soon as possible and ask her when she would be back. I had to talk to her, and fast. _

_Then there was the big issue of my education. If I took online classes while I was away, I would buy myself a lot of time, plus it would give me something to do, instead of driving myself, and everyone else, nuts._

"_Bella? You__'re back?" Rosalie's voice rang from the kitchen, breaking me from my thoughts._

_I took a deep breath; could I tell them what happened?_

Why do you even think about it?

_I couldn't hide __something like this from them. Maybe it was Edward's normal behavior or it was something totally unusual for him, either way, they had to know._

_Rosalie found me standing—im__possibly still pale—thinking about it. "What happened to you?"_

"_Edward." _

_Just one word and she, too, paled. _

Jesus, what was it with this guy?

"_Oh, Bella. What did he tell you?" She took my hand and led me to the kitchen where Emmett had obviously made it his goal to eat as much as possible. _

"_Edward?" Emmett asked Rosalie with a frown and when she confirmed it, his look darkened._

"_What did he tell you?"_

_I sighed and sat across from them. "Well, he asked me if I lived with you and he asked me if I thought it was safe to be running while pregnant, but he also asked if I cared at all," I edited some, because really, the last thing I wanted was to cause distress between the family members; or at least, more than I already had, apparently._

"_Bella, don't listen to him. I won't make excuses because I can't but please don't listen to him. Edward might be the only one to try and change your mind when he calms down enough to think about it."_

_Rosalie's words shocked me. He would try to change my mind? _

What is it to him anyway?

"_That's Edward's story to tell. He might be the only one to really understand you; more than you think actually."_

Did I say that out loud?

_She chuckled. "Yes, again."_

_I shook my head. The awful night and now Edward had really taken a toll on me. _

"_I'm going to have a shower and then maybe sit in the library."_

I was locked in the library for the majority of the day, trying unsuccessfully to put my thoughts in order.

Rosalie had actually looked hopeful, and the way she had said that Edward might be the only one to change my mind, made it seem like she _wanted_ him to do it.

What. The. Fuck.

The more I tried to analyze it the more frustrated I got. Nothing made sense.

So far, all I knew was that the family had to have Mother Teresa's DNA or something, because so much kindness and helpfulness couldn't be normal.

I've had my fair share with unkindness and betrayal in the past. I knew what it was like to be taken advantage of and to be used just because some people were fucked up in the head.

I never questioned their motives, and I wouldn't start either, but this whole Edward thing—and Rosalie's words—had me on edge.

I had already started to like them, and as crazy as it sounded, these past few days with them were filled with more love and care than my whole life with Renee.

_How did I get here? _I wondered.

It all seemed like a dream. Not necessarily a bad one, but not a good one either. I tried to stay calm and somewhat detached. I knew that if I got to know them better, I would like them—a lot. That would only make it difficult in the end.

I rubbed my belly affectionately. _I hope I'm making the right choice, baby, because if I'm not, then I'll regret it forever. _

~O~

The next morning, after another sleepless night, I got up and ready for the day ahead. Monday was filled with appointments, and I didn't know which one I was more anxious for.

The doctor?

Or the lawyer?

It took about twenty minutes to half an hour for Rose and me to get to the hospital. Today was my appointment with the doctor Carlisle had arranged, and then we had another appointment with a lawyer. Rosalie said that I wouldn't be signing anything yet and even if I were, it wouldn't mean anything if I changed my mind in the future. But I felt like I _had_ to do it. That way, it would be final and I would somehow be calmer I would have a home for my baby and that would take a lot of weight off my shoulders.

Living with Rose and Emmett meant nothing.

Not to me, of course, to me it meant the world. I mean, not even my own mother wouldn't treat me so well.

But for my baby, it was nothing—yet.

It felt as if I was just living with them until the baby was born, and I think Rose felt it too, somehow. Everything was on air, and nothing was solid; on paper, in other words.

So I had to make this one count. I had to sign the papers and make it official.

Was it weird that my heart screamed, no?

Was it some kind of betrayal towards Rose if I left this way, or to my baby, if I didn't?

I wasn't even making sense anymore.

All night I could see Rosalie's face as her words echoed in my mind. She was definitely trying to hide the hopeful expression. But again, shouldn't she want to _prevent_ something like that from happening? Wasn't it, after all, _the reason_ why I was even living with them to begin with?

Adoption?

_Wrong._

The word felt so wrong even thinking about it but it was just that.

So why was she so damn hopeful at the prospect that Edward might change my mind?

Did she want me to do it?

Had she changed her mind?

Was I too much to put up with?

_No. No way._

Rosalie would give everything to have a baby. She would even kill for a baby—that is if she could get away with it and actually be with the said baby.

There had to be something else.

I really had to stop thinking about it, or otherwise I would drive myself straight to the mental hospital.

And I had enough problems as it was.

It felt good to have this tiny voice in my head, holding me back. Because that way, it felt as if I loved my baby more I than I let others know. Because I did. Truly.

But on the other hand, feeling guilty towards Rose and Emmett by loving it as much as I did. It was _my_ baby, but not _entirely_.

Was I a bad mother because I wanted what was best for my child, even if that meant giving it to someone else, more suitable?

I felt as if I was betraying Rose and Emmett by loving my baby. Everyday, I loved it a bit more, and I already knew that giving it up would shatter me. Completely.

But, again, I let those thoughts drift away and not think about them right now; I had time to think about it, and frankly, I wanted to delay it as much as possible.

~O~

"Isabella Swan."

I heard my name being called, and after sharing a timid smile with Rosalie I got up and walked toward the nurse calling me.

She pointed the door on her left. "Dr. Brown will be with you shortly, in the mean time Maria will help you get ready."

A petite young woman, who I assumed to be Maria, the nurse—yes, she was like a big, fat candy, dressed in pink scrubs that were a size too big. Was it the fact that we were in the maternity ward? That's why the nurses were dressed in pink?

She led me to the room and helped me change my clothes and put on the ugly paper gown.

"We're going to weigh you and check your blood pressure, as well as your heart, lungs, and breasts."

Carmen Brown, my doctor, came in just as I settled in the chair and introduced herself, stating that Carlisle had assigned her to treat me.

After the rather uncomfortable pelvic exam, Dr. Brown told me we were going to hear the baby's heart beat and get an ultrasound as well. She was well informed of my medical history and the first pre-natal examination Carlisle did while I was in the hospital. She told me that they were both going to follow my pregnancy; her being my doctor but Carlisle would always be there too, just to make things easier.

She ordered a bunch of blood tests; though I'd had done enough of those before I would do them again over the last month—just to be on the safe side.

"I assume you will be talking with Dr. Cullen about the PTSD medication, right?" she asked with a frown.

PSTD medication?

"For your condition?" She frowned further.

"We haven't talked about it yet," Rosalie, who was sitting silently, whispered.

Dr. Brown nodded. "I figured as much; how about I call him and then you can all discuss it, after we get the heart beat and the sonogram," she said and continued her work. After spreading cold gel on by belly, she pressed the weird looking wand and circled a few times.

Now, don't get me wrong. I had seen my baby before but every time was special. And it worked as a confirmation.

Yep, I'm pregnant, there's the evidence. Right there.

My baby.

Well… shit.

It's real.

And so, so beautiful. Weird looking and you can't really see it, but it's there. And it's moving. And someday I'll feel it. Soon.

My baby.

"Everything seems to be all right." She smiled and handed me some paper tissues to wipe the gel off my stomach.

By the time I was all clean and dressed back in my clothes, Carlisle was knocking on the door.

This was going to be a very long day.

~O~

"NO! Absolutely not!" I screamed again, so loud that it made my throat hurt.

We were locked in Carlisle's office for the past hour with them, trying to make me listen and convince me that I needed the PTSD medication.

I turned to Carlisle. "Am I going to die if I don't get the meds?" I asked in a serious tone.

He frowned. "This isn't a matter of life or death for you, Bella."

"Will my baby be in danger if I take them?" I asked instead.

I merely noticed Rosalie's reaction when I said 'my baby'. She didn't flinch and her face didn't turn into a sad expression. Instead, she relaxed and the deep look of concentration left her face. Her mouth turned from the hard line into a tiny smile, a barely there smile, but a smile none the less.

_What the hell?_

Turning my focus back to Carlisle, I titled my head to the side, waiting for an answer.

He hesitated for a moment. "Bella, I've never lied to you. From day one in that hospital I have been nothing but honest with you and I plan to continue that way. You don't react like I expect you to, and that's the only thing that scares me. The medication, although not mandatory, and so far you haven't shown any sign of post-traumatic stress, is recommended. It's for prevention and just to be sure; something to help you cope. You need it as a patient. Now, as for the baby, yes, pregnant woman that take PTSD medications have complications in the pregnancy and the baby is at risk. But the chances that you get hurt and the baby too, are just as high."

Risk.

Baby.

My fault.

"No."

"Bella," Rosalie's voice, no louder than a whisper, deafened the whole room.

"No."

I turned to look at her. "Either way, I'm at risk. I can take that. Hell, I've been waiting for it to happen every single day. But nothing. I can do it." I looked around the room, full of people that cared about me, I knew that. But thankfully the choice was still up to me.

I had asked Rosalie when we first stepped into the room and she told me that apart from Carlisle's opinion, the decision was up to me.

And right now, I chose the baby's health. No matter what.

Carlisle nodded his head. "We will be having this conversation again, and be sure of that. I hope you're right and that you can do this, but I'm not so sure. You have to take it easy and not stress yourself. I'm only letting this go for now, but this isn't over."

Huh….?

Truth be told, I expected him to at least put up a fight and try to argue.

"You sure?" I asked, because he might be the doctor but doctors are supposed to give you meds no matter your opinion.

He smiled. "Bella, you're right. And besides, between all of us, there won't be a problem. I'm sure Rose and Em are more than capable of taking care of you. And the rest of us will be around."

Rose and Em?

_More than capable to deal with my condition?_

Rosalie.

My head snapped in her direction. "You?"

She only nodded her head.

Rose had PTSD too.

Could we be more alike?

~O~

We left the hospital without actually meeting with the lawyer. I felt weird that meeting was postponed but Carlisle insisted that I should go home and we'll have another appointment with him in the future.

But that wasn't the only thing that made me feel unease. It felt weird, knowing how much we were alike. How similar our conditions were, and yet how different our situations were. I couldn't help but wonder; how would I react if I were in her shoes?

Losing a baby. A product of the vilest act known to humankind.

Remembering the night of the terror and re-living it every single day. She had to deal with a lot of things and at the same time she had to live in a nightmare. She had a baby she didn't want. Memories that hurt her. And on top of that, losing it just as soon as she realized she actually wanted it?

I shuddered at the thought of losing my baby and slowed down my pace. I'd been running for a while, trying to clear my head and put my thoughts in order. No luck there.

I knew I was lucky enough to have temporary memory loss; so lucky that I was actually afraid of even thinking about it. I was afraid I would jinx it or something.

I started walking lightly, trying to control my breathing, when I felt a weird buzzing surrounding me.

_Dammit! I really should stop running on this hill. Doesn't he have a home of his own? What the fuck is this? _

"If we set a date next time, I'll be more prepared. We should really stop meeting like this."

_Damn him and his sexy, breathless voice!_

"We're not meeting and why do you need to be more prepared?" I asked without turning around to face him. This was pointless; running was something could actually give me some free time and away from the house, and he was ruining it for me.

"Aren't you going to yell at me? Scream and punch me in the face?" he asked in an amused voice.

This time, I turned around to face him.

And he was closer than I thought.

_Panting__… _

_Sweating… _

…_.oh my god he's hot…._

_Look at him! _

_Stupid, pregnancy hormones making me horny as hell! Stop it__, Bella_, I chastised myself.

I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, trying to concentrate on everything else besides that little drop of sweat that run the length of his jaw and down his throat.

Damn him and his sexiness.

"W-why would I punch you?" I asked, my voice wavering a little. "I can, if you're offering. I can use you as a punching bag. Don't tempt me," I continued.

He chuckled lightly and shook his bead back and forth.

_Sweaty face glistering in the sun…. _

"I'm talking about me being an asshole to you; I won't apologize but it was a little abrupt." His expression turned serious and then nodded once in goodbye before he turned to leave.

"Wait."

_Dammit!_

He didn't turn, but he stopped and waited for me to continue.

"I'll be here tomorrow, so you might wanna hit the gym instead of coming here."

No_, cum here, cum everywhere._ A tiny voice screamed in my head.

_Get your mind off the gutter, we hate him remember?_

While my internal battle continued, he turned to face me again. "This is _my_ house, so you don't get to tell me what to do, okay? And, you're supposed to be the one that can't run." Again, like the other day, he pointed my belly. "So, watch it, cause I might have been an ass before, but you haven't seen the real me yet, and you don't want to either. So watch it."

Rule number one. Don't mess with pregnant ladies.

"Are you fucking bipolar or something? One minute Dr. Jekyll and the next Mr. Hyde? That's how it works? Because I can be mean too, you know. And I'm not afraid of you. So don't threaten me. Got it?" My voice, which started as an angry whisper, ended up being an angry scream, and I could barely hold my hands from slapping his face.

How dare he?

"And, I'll have you know, that I'm a guest. Your hospitality is rather lousy actually, which is weird because both Esme and Rose are great hostesses. This is how you treat all of your mother's guests?" I wondered the last part out loud. Because, really, was he like this with everyone or was it just me?

"You know nothing about my mo—Esme," he whispered. It was that low whisper that makes the hair on your body stand. That kind of whisper that warns you; _back off_.

I did notice that he didn't call Esme 'mom' and he didn't say the word either.

Still, though, he was a lunatic.

"I'm outta here before I day something I'll regret." He turned and actually took a few steps away from me and didn't stop.

~O~

Not a boring day at the Cullens, that was for sure. When I came home, I didn't tell them about my encounter with Edward again. What was the point anyway? I had a feeling I would be seeing a lot more of him.

And, yet somehow, that though was not so disturbing.

It was like I was living in a parallel universe at the same time. My little bubble there, with the rest of the Cullens, and cruel reality with Edward.

I closed my eyes, trying to shut my mind and get some rest. Just a night full of sleep and no nightmares, that was all I needed now.

I placed my hand over my baby bump and for a moment, no matter the situation we both were in, I felt complete.

~O~

**A/N:**** This chapter was the worst to write and I'm still not happy with the outcome but you'll be the judge of that, right?**

**Thank to my beta**** Feralness Is Me for being her awesome self and fixing my mess!**

**I won't make any promises about the next one because every time I do, I can't keep it so yeah… hopefully soon.**

**Drop me a line please!**


	9. Chapter 8

**WARNING:** This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**A/N: Like I promised here it is! Un-beta'd becuase I was in a hurry to update so sorry for the mistakes. For those who don't read my other stories, my computer crashed and it took a while to fix it and that's why I went MIA. Have a Happy New Year! **

Chapter song: The Rembrandts - I'll be there for you

**Chapter Eight**

~ The best mirror is an old friend. ~ George Herbert, 1651 ~

~O~

**~Bella~**

I was really starting to hate this cafeteria. Really, _really_ hate it.

I was sitting on that same spot I met Rosalie a few days ago only now, I was waiting for my best friend and former roomie, Angela.

Once I've made up my mind, I made a list of all the things I wanted to do, and _had_ to do. On top of that list, was Angela.

So, I called her and left a message on her voicemail to call me as soon as possible. And she did, only a few hours later. I told her I wasn't home and that we had to talk when she got back.

So, here I was. Waiting for her and trying not to form a hole on my knit sweater, which was very hard to do. I couldn't stop fidgeting and twirling the end of it between my fingers.

What was I suppose to say to her_? I can't live with you because I'm pregnant and living with a family that will adopt my baby? _

Yeah… not such a good idea.

It took me an hour to figure out what to wear actually. Even sitting on a chair with my baggy sweater covering my non-existent baby bump I felt as if everyone was watching me and trying to figure out if I was indeed pregnant or just fat. But Angela, she knew me. And she was there when I puked my guts out because of morning sickness. She didn't know that at the time but she was a freaking genius. One look was all it would take for her to figure it out.

I remember doing a little happy dance when, after going through the entire closet Alice and Rosalie had named 'pregnant and show it wardrobe', I found a freaking sweater that wasn't included in the maternity pile. Although I knew it was way too early to start worrying about maternity clothes, I couldn't help but be paranoid about the whole thing.

All my life I've been told that I was so easy to read, like an open book. Only with Angela, that phrase had a whole other meaning. We could communicate with our eyes; we understood each other so well that if I didn't know better I would question her bloodline. But no, we didn't share the same DNA though lately I kind of believed that it isn't all about the genes but about the bond people form with each other.

"_...__she is my daughter, and just like you said, we do share the same DNA, which makes her exactly like me. Never forget that…"_

I shook my head as a shudder ran through me. I felt my fingertips freeze like I dipped them in cold water.

_Damn her!_

I had made another mental list about the pros and cons of telling her the truth.

Angela was always kindhearted and I knew that if I told her about my pregnancy and about my choice of giving the baby up for adoption, it would break her heart. Because apart from the fact that she would feel betrayed that I didn't tell her and seek for her help, she would wonder what had happen to me to get pregnant in the first place and that would lead to other troubles.

What I feared the most though, was her reaction towards me. Would it change her opinion of me? She was my only true friend and I really hoped that when this was all said and done, I could go back to being her friend. But right now, I couldn't deal with it.

Telling Angela the truth would mean re-living it. It would mean that I had to explain her and tell her what had happen and I was not ready to even think about it.

I found it could be so much easier if I thought of it as someone else's incident and not mine. If I could detach myself from it, it made it easier to deal with. Every time a thought crossed my mind my heart would race and I would silently pray that the memories that were buried inside my mind would not suddenly appear.

Just thinking that I had to tell her everything, or at least a part of it was terrifying.

So telling her was out of the picture right now.

But if there was a way that I could somehow be able to tell her without having to go through all those memories, it would be great. I wanted someone familiar to help me through this. I wanted someone that would tell me everything would be okay and that they'd still be there when everything were done. Because truth be told, neither Rosalie nor the others would.

Once the baby was independent enough, I would be on my own to deal with the aftermath.

Yeah, that's right, according to Rosalie; I would be around the baby for a while. Something I didn't quiet understand. Didn't she want to jump right in and be the only mother figure in that child's life? Didn't she want me 'out of the picture' as soon as the baby was out? Wasn't that how things normally happen?

Normal.

Well, no. I guess nothing about us was normal. Rosalie had been through something similar so she knew how I felt and how hard it would be to part from my baby.

My baby.

Wouldn't it be ten times more difficult if I spend any amount of time with the baby? More than I should?

Yes.

Suddenly, my stomach felt heavier than ever and a wave of nausea hit me.

_You won't throw up. You won't throw up. You won't throw up._

"Bella, are you okay?"

_Shit._

_Of all the places, _he_ had to be here…_

Rising my head, I met Edward's piercing green eyes.

Damn him and his gorgeousness.

"Are you okay? You were ready to throw up." He said, coming a little closer and almost extending his hand as if he would touch me.

"I'm fine." I snapped. "What are you doing here?" Was he observing me? Was he looking at me?

He clenched his teeth together and his jaw flexed.

_What are you doing to me?_

"What do people do in a cafeteria?" He arched his eyebrow and his face was mocking.

Yeah, I knew what people do in a cafeteria. But did he have to come to this one?

Dammit!

"Huh, funny…" I muttered a wrinkled my face, mocking back.

"What are _you_ doing here?" He asked me.

"_What do people do in a cafeteria_?" I asked him the same question, mocking him back.

He sighed and pulled a chair out to sit, placing his coffee on the table.

_Yeah, get comfortable, why don't you?_

"Are you serious?" I asked perplexed.

He chuckled, "What? It's not like you have a date or something. I just want to keep you company and talk."

Idiot.

I smirked and quickly looked at the door to see if Angela was anywhere near my sight.

Nope. Still good.

"How can you be so sure?" I asked. Arching my eyebrow like he did.

His mocking smile fell from his lips and a frown marred his face.

"Do you?" he whispered looking at the front door like I did moments ago.

"I might. What is it to you?" Seriously.

"You're pregnant." He stated like that was all the explanation I needed.

"I know."

"You're having a baby _and_ you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I doubt you're even close to thinking about dates."

Ass.

"Yep, I'm pregnant but I won't be for long and as far as my PTSD goes… Well, that's none of your business." I really had to tell Rose to shut it and keep him out of everything.

I didn't know why but he was the last person I wanted to know about me. I didn't want his pity.

"Look, buddy—"

"Buddy?"

"Edward…" I sighed frustrated, "I don't have time for this, please, you have to leave… now…" I looked into his eyes, willing him to understand and leave before Angela got here and then…

Well, then we were both screwed.

Big time.

He shook his head and exhaled frustrated, "I don't know what your problem is but you don't get to tell me what to do. And I'm just trying to be nice to you so please don't tempt me."

I opened my mouth to give him a piece of my mind when a familiar voice interrupted me.

"Bella! Oh my God!"

Familiar arms wrapped around me and suddenly, everything was gone.

The baby. Rosalie. My nightmares. Edward. Everything.

"Ang.." I squeezed her as hard as could, breathing her in and finally feeling like home.

She was the closest thing I had to a sister and now that I needed her more then ever I could not share it with her. Her boyfriend Ben was such a sweetheart and her family was the most bonded and the most caring I had ever met.

My experience with family and boys was not something Angela would understand. Yes she would try to and she'd comfort me. She would be there for me as a friend would but there would always be a part she would not understand.

And I was in no condition to talk about it or explain.

"I missed you so much! What happened? Why did you move out? Oh did you meet someone? I have the most exciting news to tell you!" She wasn't usually so joyful or talkative so I knew something was up and she had changed somehow.

"I'll tell you later. What's up with you?"

Edward was totally forgotten until she turned around, ready to pull a chair and sit.

But I guess he is hard to miss, right?

I could only wish.

As she raised her hand to point at him I saw a ray of the sunlight reflecting in the huge rock on her finger.

"You're engaged?"

"Who's that?"

Her lips curved upward and she smirked, "A friend?" Her eyes sparkled like she just won the lottery, "Boyfriend?" She whispered, "Well that explains the sudden moving out. Though I'm mad about you not telling me. He's hot Bells!" She talked faster than my brain could comprehend and then, suddenly her hand was thrust forward. "I'm Angela Webber, soon-to-be Cheney!"

"Angela…" My eyes welled up with tears and I pulled her in for another hug, squeezing her again.

"I'm so happy for you!"

I guess life changed for both of us. Angela was getting married and I was having a baby… well, sort of.

~O~

Edward left after the engagement announcement murmuring soft congratulations.

She went on and on telling me about the events, how Ben surprised her with the trip to her parents' house and how they bumped into each other.

"I'm so sorry you missed it Bella. It was supposed to be just the two of us but then my parents lost their flight so they had to come home and we sort of run into each other and Ben took that as a sign. He feels awful you missed it." Her eyes welled up and she looked ready to cry.

_Hey, not big deal. I missed your engagement party and you missed, well way too much._

I shook my head and took her hand in mine, observing her ring. "Don't be silly. I'm happy for you and Ben and you guys will have the most amazing wedding ever and I won't miss it for the world."

Great, now I had to convince her to wait at least a year to get married.

"So, how did you and Edward meet?"

Damn.

"The library." True. See, I can do it.

I closed my eyes and images of that day flashed before me. Who would have thought that the hot guy who helped me would end up being my baby's uncle? Well not really.

Why?

Why does everything have to be so messed up when it comes to me?

"And…? Come on, tell me."

Maybe the pregnancy was making me smarter or thinking faster but I was proud that I could come up with a story fast.

"Well, with the flu and everything I missed a couple of shifts at the dinner and I was kind of running low on money so I went to the library to see if there was anything available or if Mrs. Cope had heard of anything when I run into Edward. Turns out, his family is from Forks too and his mom, Esme knew Charlie so when I told him I needed a job; he told me he'll help me. One thing let to another and I kind of agreed to… um to move in with them?" That last part came out as a question.

I looked her as she processed what I just told her. And then she finally asked. "Do you trust them?"

I slowly let out a sigh. "Yes."

"Well, you know you can come back anytime and if you need any help—"

"No, Ang. Now its time for Ben to move in and I'm fine. They're great and they'll help me find a job. They feel very protective of me… you know… because of Charlie." I lied through my teeth.

"Well, that's great then, Bella."

Was it that easy?

"So now, tell me about Edward." She wiggled her eyebrows and giggled. "You totally like him. And he likes you. You guys have that whole love-hate thing."

I narrowed me eyes. "You figured that out from just from a five-minute interaction?"

"Yep." She nodded.

~O~

I managed to dodge the Edward questions for the rest of the day and we ended up having a blast. Somehow we got to reminisce the past and all the good memories and how she had her wedding planned since she was eight. Angela was such a girlie girl sometimes and although she was shy, she was radiant and the smile never left her face.

I hinted that she should wait at least a year for her wedding, because it would take a lot of explanations if I ended up with a baby bump in the church and thankfully the whole wedding deal was the last thing on her mind.

"So, tell me about Edward!" She said for the hundred time and after dodging the bullets, I had to take this one seriously.

_Just a crush and let her guess the rest. Go with the flow. _

I laughed lightly, "Told you Ang. Just a coincident. We ran into each other and got talking, I told him I'm from Forks and he told me his parents were from Forks too and one thing led to another. He told me his father needed an assistant and that there was more than enough room at his sister's place, so I kind of acted on impulse and took it, you know?"

Truth be told, I sounded so weird and so right at the same time. Humans have that self preservation thing that warns them about dangers but with the Cullens it was like I was already home. Which was so weird considering I never actually had a home or even the idea of it. Maybe the need to protect my baby and offer it the greatest possible thing, led me to trust them.

"Hmm… Well, you're not dead and in an alley so that's a good thing right?"

Goosebumps covered my entire body and a cold, cement-like texture was suddenly very prominent on my back. My entire body felt like ice and my hands got momentarily numb.

Alley.

Alley.

Alley.

Alley.

Cold.

Alley.

I lowered my head and rubbed my hands together as they sat on my lap, almost barely feeling them at all, trying to remain calm and not give anything away.

A panic attack was facing me and was just about to take over. I had to calm down, not only because Angela was looking at me but because my first and primary concern was the baby. If Carlisle found out I had a panic attack and hid it from him he would be furious and on the other hand I couldn't not tell him if I had one, but then he would give me meds and meds weren't good for the baby. So, no. I wouldn't go through that road that would only end up hurting the baby the most.

_No._

_No._

_Focus Bella._

_For the baby._

_The baby._

_Baby._

_My baby._

_My baby._

_My baby?_

_My baby. _

~O~

**A/N: Like I said, sorry for the delay again. Thank you for STILL reading! Review!**


	10. Chapter 9

**WARNING:** This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter song: Innocence – Avril Lavigne

**A/N: Un-beta'd. **

**Chapter Nine**

~O~

~ If we never had any pain, we wouldn't know what feeling good is like. ~ Steve Willhite ~

~O~

~Bella~

The next few weeks seemed to pass by in a blur. I spent as much time as I could with Angela; my mind already running with the possibilities. Maybe I would tell her that I got a nasty flu, or that I broke my leg and I couldn't visit her for a little while. Maybe even both. I still had months to figure that out and thanks to my small frame, according to Rosalie, it would take a while for me to really show. So for now I was just enjoying all the little things I could with her. Every time we got together I silently thanked the baby for not making me puke in front of her or worst, faint.

Luckily all the puking was mostly contained at home; mine was literally a morning sickness. Rosalie of course had another theory, one of many I must say.

"It' a girl, I just know it." She told me one early morning while drinking ginger tea like Esme had suggested.

"And how do you know that?" I raised my eyebrow in question and gave her a little smile; it wasn't because I didn't believe her super powers as far as baby genders go. It was that little skip my heartbeat did when she said it.

"I just do." She smiled widely and her eyes sparkled with happiness.

She wants this so bad, I thought to myself. She was glowing with happiness. And I'm supposed to be the one with the pregnancy glow and everything.

I smiled, happy that she was happy.

So yeah, as far was puking and stuff, I was doing pretty well considering that up until now I had counted every single tile on the bathrooms' floor. Many, many times.

Angela was happy that she and Ben had the place to themselves and I couldn't be happier for her, truly. My best friend was getting her happy ever after.

Between my time with Angela and puking, Carlisle had managed to get me registered for my online classes so my mornings were split between classes and puking.

But still these were all so overwhelming; my life was turned upside down in mere months. Sometimes I had to pinch myself to realize that I wasn't dreaming. Well, usually those moments were interrupted by sudden irrational fears that came out of nowhere. Sometimes it felt as if I was suffocating or that the room felt so small and out of air. Even the wind would make me jump or that cold feeling as if the sun disappeared for a moment.

I still had my nightmares but even they didn't compare to the terror of being awake and scared of your own shadow.

After the morning routine of getting ready for work, the house would get quiet and I would be left alone to get ready for my morning classes. I would usually spend the rest of the day studying at the library; which I absolutely loved, but this morning the sun was shinning so bright that even the library couldn't keep me inside.

Getting ready for a little run, I grabbed my cell phone and ipod, a bottle of water and a towel. I was sure that I would need the towel to wipe my mouth after puking rather that to swipe my sweaty forehead afterwards but anyway. Oh the joy.

I began with a little walk; it wasn't as if I could run like a marathoner. When I reached my destination, the same place I would drop my stuff off every time; keeping a steady rhythm I began waking around, breathing deeply. My lungs filled with clear fresh air. They were so lucky to own this place with such a huge property around the house.

The scenery reminded me of Forks.

Breathing deeply, I let myself fall back into old memories. The little walks I would take alongside Charlie as he showed me the trees and what to do in case I went missing or I got lost. How to mark the trees and read the trails. Being a police Chief he wanted me to be prepared in any case that something was to happen to me.

And yet, look were those lessons got me.

My breathing became a little uneven and my feet ached a bit from running. It felt like I was running away.

If only I would have managed that.

I started jogging and pushed back those memories. It was no good thinking about Charlie. His death would always haunt me. No matter what, those last words would always echo in my mind.

Like a little prayer, I looked all the green scenery around me.

_I'm so sorry, Dad. _

Finding my spot again, I sipped some water and made my way back to the house.

Exercise was never my thing but it helped with the minor attacks and it helped me think.

Well, there wasn't much, everything was planned out for me, so this was the little time I devoted to myself.

"Shower and then lunch, right?" I muttered to myself and patted my bump as my stomach grumbled with hunger. It felt weird being in a strange house and acting like I owned it but with Rose and Em being gone all day, I didn't have much of a choice, not that they would complain. I could redecorate the whole thing and she'd be ecstatic that I felt like home and comfortable.

"Are you talking to yourself?" An all too familiar voice called from my right.

Of course.

"You'd think I would be used to running into you by now. But I'm not. Don't you know it's a bad thing to sneak up on pregnant women?" I didn't even turn my head to look at him but went straight for the kitchen.

So much for taking a shower.

"I didn't scare you and no, I wouldn't know seeing as I'm not around pregnant women all the time, well until now that it. You have so many things to teach me."

His voice followed my around while I was trying to come up with something to eat that wasn't raw. I will never understand rich people's fascination with raw food.

I ignored him for a few minutes; clearly the man could not take a hint.

"I brought lunch." But now he had my full attention.

"Lunch?" I turned around to face him but he was way too close and we came face to face.

I blinked and frowned.

Personal space. Personal space.

"Why are you here?" I breathed deeply and exhaled.

_He makes me feel… weird. _

"Lunch?" He raised his arms and showed me a brown paper bag. "Esmee says hello and sends this little thing. It's mushroom ravioli."

My stomach rumbled in appreciation but I couldn't stop looking at him, he was still that guy from the library, the hot guy I ran into and he was just as charming.

I blushed and lowered my gaze trying to hide my pink cheeks.

"Thank you." I grabbed the bag from his hand and placed it on the counter just as he opened a cabinet and grabbed two plates and silverware.

"You can join me if you want, make yourself at home." I rolled my eyes at him.

He smirked, "Thanks."

I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath; this guy couldn't take a hint.

"Esmee made plenty for all of us and besides, don't you think we have something to talk about?"

My hand instinctively covered my baby bump and warmth spread all over my body. I wasn't sure if it was the fact that he accepted the baby as part of his family or even the smile that grazed his lips when he said that.

"We have nothing to talk about." Clearly he new his way around the house so I let all the table setting to him.

"Hmm, let me see, tall, skinny girl, black straight hair, glasses and a big rock on her finger, rings any bells?"

Angela.

He wanted to talk about Angela? Why?

He must have seen the question all over my face because he answered immediately, "She thinks I'm your," he paused and looked around as if to see if anyone was eavesdropping on your conversation, "boyfriend?" He whispered it.

Crap.

I walked over to the empty chair and sat down, suddenly feeling the weight of what was to come.

"I'm sorry, it was the easiest thing to do, I mean I live here, with your family. What was I supposed to say, 'Oh he is just a guy I met on the library one day and the next thing I know he was the same guy that would soon be my baby's uncle but it's not really my baby so anyway what's new with you?', so I just kept my mouth shut and she drew her own conclusions. I told her that you guys knew Charlie and you were kind enough to take my in, 'in his honor' and that's that. I told you to leave but no, you wouldn't, so she thought you were partially the reason."

I took a deep breath again and let it out slowly hoping that he made sense of my little rant cause I wasn't about to say it again.

He was still standing up, hadn't even had the chance to sit down properly.

"Why me?" He whispered.

"I told you to leave but you didn't listen!" I glared him and focused on my pasta, leaving him standing.

"How was I supposed to know?" He glared back at me and finally pulled the chair out to sit. "Had you said a word about your little friend, I would have left!"

A tiny voice inside me asked him, "Is it so bad that she thinks you're my boyfriend?" But I lowered my gaze instead. He was right; I hardly even knew him and look at the mess.

"Well it isn't as if I can suddenly tell her otherwise, she wouldn't even bother us. I promise. One time was enough." I hope.

He nodded and focused on his pasta too.

We got busy eating, silence falling around us. It should have been awkward but it wasn't. On the contrary, it felt right. Just being around him.

"Aren't you going to tell her the truth?" He asked after a couple of minutes of silence.

I snorted in a very un-ladylike manner. "Are you kidding me? Tell her what?" I gestured with my arms around us. "All of this?"

He looked at me like he wanted to say, duh!

I shook my head, "There's no way I'm telling her anything. Besides, why do ever care? I told you she won't bother you. You're off the hook."

"Are you?"

"I'll figure something out when she asks me about it."

"You'll lie." He left it hanging in the air around us.

Wasn't I lying all this time?

"Well, yeah…"

"You can just tell her the truth, she'll understand won't she? She's your friend."

I shuddered; this was a talk I never wanted to have with anyone. Least of all, him.

"Can you just drop it?" I whispered.

"I'm just trying to understand w—"

"You're not supposed to understand anything! Nor do I want you to. You've made it perfectly clear that I'm just a bother, so why are you trying to chit-chat now? You can't understand. No one can."

I dropped my fork with a clatter on my half-eaten plate and run as fast as I could outside.

Air.

Just like Forks. I needed air.

Gasping, I run back to where I used to leave my stuff for running. My breath was coming out in short gasps and my lungs were barely able to fill with all the air they needed.

No one would ever understand. They would just pat me on the back and things would be awkward. They would feel sorry for me and my fate, they would say that thing would get easier but they wouldn't even know how thing could get easier after something like this.

"Bella, stop!"

I could hear his footsteps as they rushed through the back yard but my own feet wouldn't stop. I needed to get out. Away from him and all the emotions he caused.

Emotions.

Feelings.

About a guy I barely knew and despite that we both were in this complicated situation. Maybe if things were different Edward and I could get a chance, but now my chances were all gone. And not just with him or for the time being but gone. Gone. Forever. Vanished.

How could I ever trust another man in my life after that? How could I open up to someone when the truth was that I just wanted to put it all behind me and act like it never happen?

I wish I could do that. Like if there was a button I could press and my past would vanished.

I could hear his footsteps behind me but I couldn't stop; this was exactly was I was trying to avoid all along. A break down. It would harm the baby.

The baby.

My feet were aching from running and suddenly the mushroom ravioli were trying to make their way out of my stomach.

"Bella!"

Strong hands grabbed my upper arms and my heart went into frenzy. Short breaths and gasps were all I could hear and that horrible concrete-like feeling on my back was more present than ever.

No. Please don't. Please.

My baby.

My baby.

A tiny grey image filled my mind, the little blur that was supposed to be my tiny baby.

When the technician gave us the sonogram pictures, Rosalie looked at it like she had seen a million similar pictures – which I'm sure was true – and she could see clearly everything. I, on the other hand had no idea where to look. I had a Rachel from Friends moment and I was ready to scream 'I don't see it!'. I panicked, of course. What sort of mother can't see her child's first picture, ever? Rosalie had sensed my panic and she smiled, "The first time I ever saw one of those I burst out crying that I couldn't see it. After all there is nothing there to see, just a tiny dot, barely visible. After a lot of trying I finally saw but it wasn't the dot, but my baby. I saw an actual baby."

An actual baby? I was ready to mentally snort at her when she grabbed the picture and pointed to the tiny dot in the center of it. Just that a little dot, barely whiter that the rest of the grey area. But then, I got it. It wasn't a hallucination she had seen, but that warm feeling you get all over. The one I got the first time on that hospital when Carlisle had told me about the pregnancy; it was that feeling of protection. The one when you hug your flat stomach like your arms can actually reach the baby and hug it, protect it.

My baby. The little dot I had inside me that I was going to give up; the little dot that I somehow had pictured with beautiful brown eyes and shine chocolate brown hair. Like myself. Like Charlie.

But you don't know what the baby is going to be like, do you? And you want even be around to see it.

All those thought were buried deep inside my brain, I was trying to fight them and I had succeeded. That was until I saw Angela. She brought all those memories back. Our time back in Forks. My dad. Everything. And Edward's constant questioning was the last drop.

"Are you okay?" His hands were gently holding me now.

I shrugged him off, "I'm fine."

"Look, I was too hard to you back there and I'm sorry."

For a moment his eyes seemed to focus on my perplexed expression. "I'm just trying to get closer to you. The whole family seems to love you and I—I just want to be a part of this."

This as in, the adoption?

"Okay…"

"I didn't mean to push you; I was just wondering why are you hiding the truth from your best friend; after all if she is your best friend then she would understand."

Would she?

I had wondered that so many times in the past.

"There's no point in telling her. I'm giving this baby up for adoption; I just have to delay her wedding long enough for me to be okay and able to attend. That's it."

"That's it? You'll never mention that you have a child? You'll just leave and never look back? At all?" He looked appalled.

"What do you expect me to do?"

"I don't know, how about be honest!" He was beyond appalled, he looked livid.

"What is it to you anyway?" I maneuvered around him and started walking back in the house.

He grabbed my arm again and turned me around so we were face to face.

"It is my business. What happens with this baby is my business. Someone has to watch out for it anyway."

His cruel words didn't even seem to register in my mind; all I cared about was his vivid green eyes that seemed to sparkle with anger. His warm breath washed over my face as his cologne filled my lungs.

What the hell was wrong with me? I couldn't think of him like that. He was Edward. He – for some reason – hated my guts. I couldn't think of him as hot, or ever remotely nice. But I couldn't. He was hot. More so than I remembered. He was the only guy I had come this close to and was actually pretty hot.

But he hated me. For some unknown reason he hated me.

"Let me worry about the baby; it's none of your business. Let me go."

"Do you love the baby? Even a tiny bit? Do you even care?"

Do I even care?

His grip tightened and my breath was coming in short gasps. If I was ever going to have a heart attack this was the day.

One moment I was jogging alone, enjoying the day and now I was in the Cullen's back yard, having a heart to heart with Edward.

Really?

"Of course I do." No more that a whisper.

Of course I did. My baby was all I had, the reason why I had to do what I was doing.

Finding a better place. A family. Loving parents.

Away from my miserable life.

Of course I did.

More than I should.

"Then prove it." Was all he said as he released me and started walking back into the house.

"But I am!" I yelled. "I am proving it; I'm providing everything I can't give to it. What more can I do?"

He faced me again but there was no anger in his eyes. There only was sadness and a weird look… longing?

"You just got to love your baby, Bella. That's all."

~O~

A week had gone by since that last encounter with Edward. Like always, I never mentioned it to anyone. I just let it slip my mind and locked it away. He caused something fierce inside me, rage among others and I was doing my best to avoid it. I had to keep myself calm and in control. I had to be in control and he was messing with it.

I was sure I would run into him again. Rosalie told me that he used Emmett's gym and the back yard for running. The house was empty most of the time anyway. She discretely asked me if his presence was bothering me but instead of screaming, 'yes', I shook my head and said 'no'.

It was their house after all.

And besides his annoying questions; he was the only one that didn't kiss my ass all the time. He really was the opposite of the Cullen's and as weird as it sounded, I kind of liked it, up to a point of course.

It felt good being around someone that didn't walk on eggshells around me.

And he was pretty damn hot too.

Yes, I finally got around admitting that, even to my own self.

After his outburst, I was itching to get to talk to him again; yes he had some pretty strong feelings about this situation, something I still hadn't had the chance to figure out yet. But it was my turn to question him. And this time I would be prepared for his outburst.

Like every morning, I got ready for my jogging time and silently hoped that this would be that day he would decide to show up.

I hoped that every single day, to be honest.

But this time, he didn't disappoint. He was standing there, holding two steamy cups and an apologetic smile.

"Truce?"

I glared at him for a moment. "We need to talk."

I was getting my answers one way or another.

~O~

**A/N: Thanks for reading! Review!**


	11. Chapter 10

**WARNING:** This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter song: Turn our eyes away_ - _Trent Dabbs

**A/N: Un-beta'd. Facebook group - groups/natalievampgirl/ - tumblr blog - natalievampgirl tumblr**

**Chapter 10**

~O~

~ The past is never dead. It's not even past. ~ William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun ~

~O~

Bella

I slowly sipped my steaming tea, enjoying the taste of it and trying to come up with something to start our conversation.

I couldn't flat out ask him what the hell his problem was, now could I? That would be rude.

But I had to start from somewhere.

I had so many questions and at the same time none at all.

My days with the Cullens had left me wondering about all of them together and individually.

But Edward. He still was a big mystery, mostly because he was trying too hard to make it feel like something not out of the ordinary, when it really was.

Him.

The family.

All of it.

"So… Rosalie says the baby is a girl. What do you want it to be?" He asked out of the blue.

I smiled, Rosalie and her predictions.

"Don't care, as long as it's healthy - isn't that what people say?"

"People? Why, don't you feel that way?" He looked at me funny.

"I don't think I have any say in it. The baby, the name, all of it. I'm like a living incubator, right?" I chuckled humorlessly.

"Why do you say that, did Rose do something to make you feel that way?" He asked though from his tone I knew he didn't really believe that Rosalie would do something like that, he was just trying to make conversation flow.

"No, and can we drop it? I don't want to talk about it."

He scoffed, "Of course not."

"You know, you're really confusing me. One minute you want me to talk and the next you go back to hating me."

I walked a little faster, trying to get away from him for a second. It was really hard trying to be mad at him when he was so close to me.

"I don't hate you." His footsteps sounded heavier as they followed mine.

"Right, if this isn't hate then I really don't want you to hate me, I can't imagine how bad things will be then. Just leave me alone, I don't have to like you and you don't have to like me. I just have to get through these months and then you'll never see me again."

Ever.

I had yet to think about my life after the Cullens. But let's just take one month at a time.

"What-why would you say that? You can still be a part of our lives; you already are in a way. I thought you felt comfortable being with us. Well, maybe I'm not included but the rest of the family… I just thought…" His voice trailed as the words died on his lips.

Comfortable with the family, yes I was but this was hard enough as it is. Being a part of them after the birth? No, I don't think I could handle that. Besides, my PTSD was going to kick in by then and I needed to be as far from here as possible.

"You know that it can't happen like that. You guys helped me and I'll be forever grateful but the journey is gonna have to stop at some point. I chose Rose because Carlisle spoke very highly of her and because it just felt right, looking at her, the way she talked to me, the way her eyes shone with the possibility of having a baby. It was beyond me, it was like this was meant to happen."

This was meant to happen.

Was it?

Was I supposed to go through all the horrible stuff so that a new life could be created and Rose could finally find her peace?

Could that be true?

Instinctively I placed my open palm over my bump, could this really be the reason after all?

"Bella, no. You weren't supposed to go through that just for Rose to have a child. It happened. It was cruel and unfair and I-I'm sorry that it happen to you, that it happen to someone but you can't distant yourself from your child, no matter what, you can't give up."

His face flushed as anger filled his eyes; he looked livid and terrified, like the thought alone of my leaving was unimaginable.

"Look around you. I live with your sister, I'm taking online classes and I'm lying to my best friend. I live in fear that something will trigger my memory and everything will come back, that I'll hurt this innocent baby. I'm here because your sister is adopting my-this baby and you should be over the moon. Instead you're trying to change my mind, what the hell is wrong with huh? Why can't you just tell me whatever it is that makes you hate me and my choices so much? Tell me or leave me alone, I have enough problems of my own, I don't want your bullshit on top of them too." My lungs burned for the need of air and the scenery around us was dead silent. It felt good, to finally let it all out and call him on his bullshit.

I've had enough of this.

He chuckled humorlessly, "You want to know what my problem is? Why I'm acting the way I am? Do you really?" He didn't wait for an answer, he took a few steps forward, coming closer to me and like well rehearsed dance moves, I took a few steps back.

Ignoring it he went on, his voice void of all the anger. He looked vulnerable and hurt. "Look at me. Just look. What do you see?" He asked.

My brows frowned in confusion. Was this a trick question?

He didn't wait for an answer. "This is what your child will look like." He whispered.

It felt like the ground cracked beneath my feet and I was falling and falling and falling deeper in the abyss.

I felt the blood drain from my face and my hands got numb, the numbness quickly spreading thought me.

His face changed suddenly as he realized what he had just said, "For God's sake, you know that's not what I mean. Bella what kind of a man you take me for?" He looked petrified, his eyes wide and his lips set in a thin line.

I couldn't even blink, I couldn't even process the words he was saying.

Too much.

Too much.

"I didn't mean it like that. What I meant to say was that, my bitterness and my anger comes from the same situation that you are in. And if you continue with your plan, then there is going to be another bitter person on this planet. An abandoned child. Because as much as the Cullens loved me and cared for me, I still hate my mother for giving up on me. For throwing me away like I was nothing, for never looking back, for never even trying to raise me." He took a deep breath and waited for a few seconds to see if I had anything to say.

But what could I possibly have to say to him? I'm sorry that your mother left you but it was for your own good? I'm pretty sure he would not be thrilled to hear it.

"I don't even know her face; I don't even know her voice, her smell-nothing. And it hurts, it sucks but that's the truth. The thought that she didn't want me hunts my every moment. I will forever be grateful for Esme and Carlisle but being abandoned by your own parents stays with you for a lifetime and you are watching your kids future, cause as much as you want to avoid the fact that you care about this baby I can still see it, it's written all over your face when you talk about it."

I lowered my head trying to hide my expressions from him. I hated that he could so easily read me but I couldn't read him, I hated that he could so easily talk to me about his past and give me all the facts that I never wanted to know. I didn't want to think about my baby hating Rose and Em. But I couldn't also stand the fact that in the long future my child would also hate me too. When I thought about raising it I knew that my child would hate me; for not being able to provide for it, for being angry and bitter due to the past. For being like Renee.

No, I would accept hating me for giving it up for adoption but not for treating it like Renee treated me.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I am but this is completely different Edward. It is. I wish that my own mother was wise enough to give me up for adoption instead of keeping me and treating me like dirt. For making me hate myself and-"

Charlie.

Charlie.

A shiver ran through me. No, I wouldn't let it happen again.

"You had a great life, you were loved. You were loved. You had a home and a family. I'm sorry but I fail to see the downside of this. Your mother, for whatever reason, chose to give you this extraordinary life, you have questions and it's understandable but you were loved and you were treated kindly. So be grateful for that, and let me decide for my own child. I understand now why were you trying to make me change my mind but it's not going to happen. Ever. So please just stop."

I left him standing there, looking at me with pleading eyes as I walked back to the house. I hoped that tomorrow, he wouldn't wait for me, and for once, it was the truth.

~O~

That same night, I talked with Rose and told her what went down between Edward and me. She listened and never once defended him, it was weird, knowing the truth, at least a part of it, and being able to understand why was he treating me the way he did.

"Why did you let him try and talk me out of this?" I asked her.

She shrugged, "Cause I thought that if you were going to change your mind, you might as well do it from the start, you know? If someone is able to do that, that's him. But I guess I was wrong."

She didn't look too happy about being wrong but then again, maybe she still had doubts.

"Rose, I won't change my mind. Trust me, I won't. If nothing else, my talk with Edward solidified my decision."

Surprised flashed through her eyes, "It did?"

"Well, yes. You all have built an amazing family and I couldn't have picked better parents myself, you guys have that amount of experience that I know that my baby will be fine." I took her hand in mine, reassuring her of my words.

~O~

Days morphed into weeks. Edward avoided me and I him, it was better this way, after all, we had nothing more to say to each other, he gave me a piece of his mind and I gave him a piece of mine. All I had to do now was to go through to notions. Classes, doctor appointments, occasional shopping with Rose and going through another day with a panic attack. The house library was slowly turning into my own personal bedroom; I only needed an actual bed and I would never leave the room.

I was reading about the pregnancy and the birth, the baby – though that was kind of pointless to be honest – and life went by.

Emmett was trying his hardest to make me feel comfortable around him. He would only come home late so that I wouldn't feel weird being around him and even if he wasn't the type of guy to make anyone feel weird about his huge form I was still grateful for the space. I was trying my best to let him in, Rosalie was another story completely but Emmett was still intimidating to be around for more than an hour.

I could feel his need to be around just as much as Rose was and it killed me that I couldn't give that to him. I had a long way to go yet and I knew that.

Esme made me lunch almost every day despite the fact that I was more than capable to make my own. The walking distance between the houses wasn't making it easy for me to deny her.

"If I can cook for seven, I can cook for eight too." She told me when I tried to argue.

Seven. Edward included.

I knew that he had a condo in Seattle but didn't stay much there anyway. I had yet to see him around the house though. Rose and Alice spent a good amount of time in the city and I was afraid that he would use the almost empty house for himself. But he was keeping his distance.

As much as I wanted to see him again – which was ridiculous – I was happy that he stayed away.

His words were still ringing in my ears.

I did not need to hear them again.

I had yet to decide the excuse I would use for not being able to see her for a while – when I thought of not seeing her it filled me with great sadness, hiding the truth from her was harder than I had thought, essential but hard.

Returning home from my last lunch with Angela, I ran into what looked like a Cullen family meeting. All the Cullens were gathered together in Rosalie's living room.

"So we are just going to let her do whatever the hell she wants? She is just going to use him again, can't you see that? She is slut!" Rosalie's voice rang angrily through the house.

"Rose." Esme's distraught voice gasped. "She can help him deal with this, she knows."

Rosalie scoffed, "She knows nothing. She is nothing."

"She knows him, baby. You know that."

Eavesdropping enough, I entered the room, looking around. They were sitting facing each other, leaning forward as if it would make them hear each other better.

"Am I interrupting something?"

"Bella." Rosalie smiled. "No, come sit with us."

I looked around again, and declined. "Nah, I'll just go up to my room."

"Don't be silly, sit." Esmee patted the spot next to her on the couch and smiled.

Taking my seat, I asked. "What is going on?"

"Edward."

His voice rang out in various tones as they all said it together.

Oh.

"Is – is he okay?"

"He's fine dear. Your little talk - um, you just gave him a lot to think about that's all. He had his mind set on some views and you've kind of shaken him a little. He's going to be fine. He's seeing his psychologist again, he'll come to terms." Esme smiled at me as she explained.

Rosalie scoffed, "Please, she's just a slut that happens to have a degree. That's who she is."

I looked at her confused, "You don't her?"

"I hate her."

"Rosalie, please. Tanya and Edward are adults. They went beyond their doctor/patient relationship in the past but it ended."

"And now she wants him back!" She yelled again.

"You're not a child. Enough."

She took a deep breath, "I'm just saying that she is using his fragile state of mind again. Will you just sit there and let it happen? Huh?"

Esme shook her head, "Edward is an adult and he felt the… need to talk to her again. I don't know why but he did. We'll see how thing progress from there." She looked troubled and distraught. Like she was failing her son.

"Esme, Edward is capable of taking care of himself." I said, trying to comfort her.

"Maybe you should talk to him. The last time-"

"Rose, the last time lead to this. He obviously has some unresolved issues that he has to deal with and I don't see who I can help with that." I gestured to myself and frowed.

I was in no position to help him. Him, of all people.

"Besides, I don't think that any help coming from me would be appreciated."

He hates me after all. And even he didn't in the past, there was no doubt about it now.

~O~

**A/N: Review!**


	12. Chapter 11

**WARNING**: This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

**Disclaimer**: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter song: Where we land – Ed Sheeran

**A/N**: Un-beta'd. Facebook group - groups/natalievampgirl/ - tumblr blog - natalievampgirl tumblr 

**Chapter 11**

~O~

~ Then I discovered that being related is no guarantee of love! ~ Stieg Larsson, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo ~

~O~

**Bella**

Alice and Rosalie were crazy. Absolutely crazy. After a whole day of shopping I was sure of it.

Rosalie was like a hunter, sniffing like a dog, she walked without a care in the world, hunting down the best baby clothes ever. And she did choose the best ever.

But I wasn't about to tell her that. No way.

In her first attempt to get me to try on some clothes, she quickly run away from me after I gave me my no-way-in-hell look. Which I had master just for her and Alice.

I'm telling you, rich people are crazy.

Nonetheless, she did add a few pieces onto the growing pile of clothes.

Alice on the other hand, she was literally like a kid in Disneyland. The woman had more clothes than she could ever wear in one lifetime and still, her eyes lit up like a kids' in a candy store.

Something though told me that it wasn't the shopping itself that made her so happy but the environment. More than once I had seen her, slowly taking off her huge black sunglasses, looking around the place, her almost violet eyes welling up with tears, and the quickly pushing them up her little nose. She would occasionally inhale deeply and smile, a serenade smile on her face.

But to me, there was nothing that would make me smile while inhaling in this place.

I didn't want to intrude or ask questions but there was definitely something there, probably bigger than I could ever imagine. I still remember when I asked her about it back in my apartment while packing. A deep feeling in my gut though made me shut up; the Cullens had backgrounds alright. All of them from broken families, supporting one another and coping with old wounds.

My wound on the other hand, could not be fixed with a group hug and a hot meal.

A family wasn't just about blood relatives, but no matter how much I was trying to run away from my past and my childhood, the memories would always hunt me.

I asked Rosalie once, how was it possible that she could wake up every day and not curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day, cause that was what I wanted to do, most of the time. Reality sometimes was too hard to deal with.

"It's a part of me Bella, I just do. I have to live with it, I learned that the hard way unfortunately but it's the truth. Every day, I have this tiny moment where I think my life as it could have been; full of babies and happy, free of all the nightmares and all the bad memories. But they are a part of me now, I accept that and I'll be damned if I let it get to me. I have spent more than enough time pondering and thinking what if, being afraid of my own shadow. Surely I still have my moments but things are way better now, it helps having someone to share the burden and the fear. It helps having a purpose." She had said, and I could see it in her eyes that truly, she did have a purpose, being happy and having someone give all the love she had built up inside her.

As of my purpose, make her happy and rest assured that my child had a home.

My child.

While sitting on the bathroom's floor one day, I placed my open palm against my stomach and kind of pleaded for the nausea to stop; but that wasn't my epiphany, because as I rubbed soothing circles I remembered the way Charlie used to hold me when I was sick and promise that the bad flu would go away.

"_You're my baby girl, no one will mess with you." _

I was his and now, I had this tiny person to think about.

My child, my tiny little baby.

"Don't start crying, we have way more of these to shop, come on!" Rose had an armful of onesies as she dragged around the store.

A couple of hours later, finally, she declared that I needed some food in me and we marched for the closest restaurant, in which I took full advantage of Rosalie's wallet. Serves her right for dragging me around.

"Bella, have you thought about talking to Edward yet?" At least she had the decency to wait for me to finish my meal first.

"Talk to him about…?" I trailer, waiting for her to fill in though I knew what this was about.

Apparently after our argument Edward had gone back to his 'old days' and had a meeting with his therapist whom Rosalie claimed that they had a different kind of relationship as well though I was certain that Rose exaggerating.

"Just talk, I'm sure your attempt will do wonders." She nodded to herself, sure that I would do it.

But why?

Honestly, the whole family had a theory about Edward and me, about how we could help one another which was unimaginable to me, seeing as we couldn't even stand to be in the same place more than a few minutes with trying to kill one another, with kind words of course.

I shrugged, "Rose, I honestly don't see how that can help matters, surely you know your brother well enough to understand than he is as stubborn as a mule and would budge, especially for me."

She shook her head but didn't push the matter further which again, was odd.

After our meal we walked back to the parking lot, taking our sweet time and making small talk.

Again, I noticed Alice's weird behavior but didn't comment on it.

"Bella?"

My heart skipped a beat and I quickly hugged the shopping bags, the light ones that Rosalie allowed me to carry.

"Ang!" I greeted with as much enthusiasm as I could master, praying that I wasn't white as a ghost.

_Please don't ask to look at the bags, please don't ask to look at the bags…_

"How are you, I missed you!" She glanced behind me where Rose and Alice were waiting.

"Good, shopping with Rose and Alice. This is Angela, my best friend and former roommate." I waved between the three, introducing them.

"So nice meeting you, we've heard a lot about you!" Rose gave her a tight hug and a mega watt smile. Alice on the other hand, stood there staring at her for a moment and then waved hello.

"Nice meeting you too, I've heard a lot about you too. You're taking care of my bestie I'm sure." She seriously looked at them and waited for an answer.

They both smiled and nodded, "Of course we are. Bella is a part of our family now."

I looked at Rosalie for a second, seeing her sincere smile and kind eyes.

A part of their family. It felt weird, hearing her say that, but actually looking at her face as she said it, it was strange, because some part of me really was a part of their family, but me?

I shook my head, focusing back on Angela.

"We'll talk and grab some coffee, okay?" I had to find something by then to avoid her.

She looked like she wanted to say more but smiled instead. "Sure, sure. We have to talk about the wedding soon, too."

Crap, I really hoped she would delay it as long as possible.

~O~

Apparently Edward did own a place and how convenient that it was within a walking distance from the restaurant we had lunch.

Rosalie sure knew how to get her way and while they continued their shopping, she gave me his address.

I wasn't obligated to talk to him not that we had much to say but it kinda felt like I had to. Everything was fine before I came along and now he was going back to therapy.

Again, I had no idea what I was supposed to tell him, after all, I was the one that cause the fallout to begin with.

Before I even reached his apartment building, there he was, walking out, sweatpants on and headphones.

"So, you do have another place to run but you insist on coming over, why?"

He jumped, not expecting to find me here, apparently, and talking to him.

"What are you doing here?" He looked over my head and around the area, probably waiting for Rose to jump on him.

"I'm alone, Rose gave me the address, she thinks I had some sort of ability to calm you down enough so you can drop therapy, oh and she really hates your therapist by the way." I sighed, "You're really screwing her? Wow, I thought those things only happened in bad porn movies or soap operas." Though I had no idea if it did.

He shook his head and walked ahead of me, not waiting for me to catch up with him.

Couldn't they see the huge stomach that expanded in front of me?

Well, maybe not that huge but it was noticeable.

"It's not like that with Tanya, Rose is just exaggerating. You should go back." He only turn his upper body enough to see that I was indeed listening to him and would follow his command, excuse me, advise.

I nodded but kept walking, a little faster to keep up with him. "I figured that Rose was making a big deal out of it but honestly, why do you need therapy?" I wondered out loud.

Because honestly, I didn't even do something that terrible to make him go back, or wasn't it entirely my fault?

We just argued for Christ's sake!

"You don't know anything." He turned abruptly to face me and I almost ran into him.

"Personal space, come on." I shooed him, waving my hands between our bodies. "I think I know a thing or two."

"No, you think you do just because I acted like an idiot and spilled my guts to you and you still treated me like an asshole."

"Wait up." I tried to run faster. "You didn't spill anything and I didn't ask for it anyway so why am I the bad guy here? And by the way, calling yourself any name in the book? Really? You should put that down on your therapy list. But wait, no you have other things to do with your therapist—" I honestly have no idea where that last part came from but I was almost yelling at him while trying to catch up. It would be kind of comical if it wasn't so… well, not.

"You have no idea what you're talking about. Rose has brainwashed everyone into thinking that I was screwing her!"

"So you weren't?" I whispered, finally planting my feet on the group and waited for an answer.

Why should I care? What difference does it make? So what, yes Edward was the only guy that I had any kind of interaction with for the past few months but that doesn't mean anything. Though sometimes I still called him Hot Guy like that first day in the library but again, that didn't mean anytime. It was just a fact.

Really.

"Why do you care?" A few feet away from me, he too, stopped but didn't turn to look at me.

Jeez, thanks.

"I don't, just curious."

"I did."

"Did what?"

"Slept with her." He turned and looked at me as if to see how I would react.

I shouldn't have flinched but I did.

Maybe because his tone was filled with longingness, like he missed it? Her?

Whatever it was, I shouldn't care. But somewhere deep down, I did.

Cause after all, I was in no position of ever pursuing him, or anyone for that matter, but there was always a tiny bit of hope.

But no, for me, I guess there wasn't even that.

I nodded, more to myself, as if I was agreeing with my thoughts. "Isn't that wrong?" On so many levels?

"Isn't she going to get in trouble for that?" Please.

He shook his head, "No."

"Why?"

He tilted his head to the side, "Again, why do you care?"

"Just curious."

"Or maybe cause you want to tell Rose?" He smirked, "Are you spying on me for her?"

I snorted, actually snorted and then giggled. "You're way too full of yourself aren't you? Mr. Big Ego, newsflash, not everything is about you."

"Then why do you care, last time I checked, you didn't like answering questions yourself."

"You're right, I don't but last time I checked you were all too willing to hand all the info about you over, so yeah, you can't blame me for that." I pointed my finger at him, raising an eyebrow and daring him to argue.

"We hooked up after the sessions between us were done which wasn't one hundred percent right mind you but still not as bad as Rose wants to make it and it didn't even work, so there you have it. You can run back to her with all the info." He pushed the ear buds in place and turned away from me.

"I'm not spying on you, I just wanted to make sure that our conversation didn't traumatize you that much that you'd go back to therapy but whatever."

I sighed and waited for him to acknowledge my white flag and hopefully act like a normal human being.

Or at least nod.

"Our—" he paused, looking for the right word?

"Our conversation anyway, was intense and it did make me look at things from another perspective. Bella, I just don't want your kid to hate you and probably the rest of us for encouraging the adoption."

That was the thing about Edward. He was so blunt that it surprised me and frankly, I loved it.

He didn't sugarcoat anything and was flat out honest with me.

It was nice, refreshing and I kind of sought that out from time to time, maybe that was the reason that I was trying to make amends, because he was not afraid of triggering any drama like the rest of them were and he still had a natural way of saying things without zigzagging around, looking for the proper words.

"Edward, if you had a chance to go back in time and apart from your birth parents, it was your choice to choose a family for you, who would that be? Which family would you choose if you had to make that choice?"

The question lingered in the air for several moments and I couldn't look away; Edward's eyes were holding mine in what looked to be a battle, like the ones we played as children with our friends to see who would blink first.

He was contemplating. He was struggling with himself; my question had caught him off guard but the answer was at the tip of his tongue, because we both knew the truth.

I made the right choice and no matter how hard it was to admit it, he was glad that someone made that choice for him.

Finally, he broke eye contact and bowed his head.

"The Cullens. Esme and Carlisle were the best thing that ever happened to me and you can rest assured that Rose and Em will live up to that but Bella, knowing what could have happened doesn't make it hurt any less."

Family.

Such a tiny word that holds such a huge meaning, it can mark you so deeply that there will always be a reminder of it.

Looking back to my own family I couldn't tell who was the luckiest.

Me, for having one.

Or Edward for not. 

**A/N: Review!**


	13. Chapter 12

**WARNING:** This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Chapter song**: Winter Song - Sara Bareilles

**A/N: Sorry!**

**Chapter 12**

~O~

"Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can."

― Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight

~O~

**Bella**

"How about the Titanic?" Edward smirked from his spot next to me on the un-freaking-believably comfortable couch which was now my new buddy.

I rolled my eyes and focus on my kind of huge plate with mushroom ravioli, "Nope."

"Well then, you pick something, I give up."

"I told you, you can pick anything and I'll watch it, and you are asking me about The Notebook and the Titanic, those should be on my list not yours and today is your turn."

There was no way I was watching either with Edward sitting right next to me.

He shook his head and sighed. "Fine, I'll choose but this time you can't veto."

"I did not veto because I didn't like it, you psychopath, the last time you chose a movie it had way more blood than I care to know about."

Now the thing is that before the pregnancy I would easily eat and watch whatever bloody movie there was. But now, that option was out of the window and Edward learnt that the hard way; hearing me puke my guts out for almost an hour.

Serves him right.

So now, I'd like to keep my dignity and not puke all over the bathroom this time.

"Be more sensitive asshole, look at me, I won't even have the time to run for it." I gestured my belly. It was small but it could slow me down. For real.

He laughed. "Oh come on, just admit it, you're not that kind of girl and deep down you want to watch The Notebook."

An image of Edward and myself making out in the rain flashed behind my eyelids. Oh hell, this pregnancy was supposed to be abstinence friendly not making me horny every other second.

Maybe if Edward watched The Notebook he would want to recreate the scene, or every other scene I don't really mind.

Stop it, just focus.

"Bloody it is then."

Puke over sex.

Puke over sex.

I can do this.

~O~

As it turned out I could do it but only because instead of watching the movie, I couldn't keep my eyes off of Edward.

I blamed that on the hormones and the fact that he can make an act as simple as sitting and watching a damn movie, sexy as hell.

I swallowed thickly, willing my eyes to focus on the screen but nothing. Not even a little bit of nausea from all the gut wrecking sounds and the blood splatter.

Just a warm fuzzy feeling.

It felt weird, being so comfortable with him next to me.

If it was Emmett I would be sitting on the edge of the couch, probably because he would take up most of the space, but still.

With Edward there was an extra calming effect.

He gets me.

He knew how I felt, around him I could be more myself than any other time. He knew how confused I was, how scared I was and yet still, here he was. Keeping me company when he could be outside partying with a girl on his arm.

I placed my hand over my stomach.

The thought of him with some other girl shouldn't be bothering me but it did. Not only because of that tiny hope I had since the day I ran into him on campus but because I was beyond the period of dating now. That was over. Maybe not forever but for as long as it took to fix me. If that was possible.

Being with the Cullens was huge, but I had a long way to go and the most of that way, I was going to have to walk on my own.

"Are you okay? Is it the baby?" Concern frowned his features and he places his hand over my mine, resting on top of my bump.

It was nothing new, having someone touching it but with Edward, it felt somehow more intimate than it should. It ignited a feeling inside me I couldn't pinpoint.

But one thing was for sure. I was content knowing that my baby would have Edward.

"Fine, everything is fine, really."

"Do you want to change it?" He tilted his head at the screen.

"No, no, watch it, I'm fine Edward, really."

He cupped my chin with his fingers and looked into my eyes. "You sure?"

I hesitate, I glanced from his eyes to his lips and for that tiny moment I wish I had the courage.

But here I was, on his sister's couch, pregnant and with PTSD and so confused and vulnerable, and this wasn't even my chance at happiness. This was my baby's. That was the sole reason why I was in this house. My baby. The one resting between us, oblivious to the outside world and all the cruelty. This was not my chance at happiness.

Get a grip, Bella.

But he did too. One small glance from my eyes to my lips and then back.

No, this wasn't happening.

"I'm fine. Just nausea. Should have vetoed the movie."

Leaving him alone, probably wondering what the heck just happened, I ran to my room and locked the door behind me. This night was never repeating itself. Not if I was anything to do with it.

~O~

Edward was probably as freaked out as I was about the whole movie thing because the next time that I saw him he didn't mention it but he did maintain eye contact which was more than I could say for myself.

Like a little school girl, I was trying to avoid all contact with him.

The thing was though that this was Edward. The one that ran with me every morning and brought me hot tea. The one who I didn't have to filter my words around he won't freak out if I say something that I wasn't supposed to.

No, he is Edward and he gets me.

For that, important, reason I had to keep it drama free between the two of us. No more moments like that one, no near kissing experiences and definitely no more movie nights.

~O~

A few days later it was time to check in with Angela.

"I miss you, you crazy. I have to see you, there's no one to share the drama with anymore. Ben doesn't care." And then she proceeded to feel me in with all the latest drama on campus. Angela was far from a gossiper but to her every little thing shocked her, from running into a naked roommate once in Ben's room or watching students on a full make out session out in public.

"Oh, Bella, you won't believe what happened, you're lucky you left, I don't even dare to leave the room with Ben anymore." She whispered as if someone was going to hear her even though she was alone.

I picked up a book from the coffee table and opened it to where I had bookmarked it. "Oh, yeah?"

She cleared her throat and whispered.

"I don't know if it's true but, this kid on campus, a few days ago he dropped out completely. Left the football team and moved out of town. They said it was a family emergency but there's this rumor…" She trailed and took a deep breath. "Oh God, Bella I hope it's not true because oh my God, but they are saying that he left because he attack a girl. They are saying that he—that he did this thing, that h-he, he r-rapped her."

The only sound on the room was the heavy thud the book made as it fell from my hands and on the floor. My hand went to my belly, like it was going to protect it from the ugliness of her words. But to no avail. They were echoing in my head, again and again and again. They were not stopping they were just echoing and I was shaking my head to stop them.

No.

Please no.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Not this.

Not now.

I wasn't ready for this.

For it to blow up like that.

I had to focus on my baby. I had to. This was it. This was for my baby. I had to stay calm and keep the memories at bay. I just had to. Otherwise I would go crazy and full PTSD and then Carlisle would have no choice but to give me those meds. And that was not good for the baby.

Please not now.

"What?" My voice was barely a hush breath.

"I know, it's terrible. Terrible."

I could almost picture Angela, shaking her head to herself.

"Do t-they kno-ow who she is?"

"No, they don't, like I told you it is only a rumor because he didn't show up for the usual test before the fight and then dropped out all together but the next thing you know there's this huge donation on his name on behalf of his family."

No, no, no. They couldn't know about it. They couldn't know about him.

Not now.

Not now.

"His name?"

"Oh, Bella. It was James."

And just like that, my nightmare got worse.

~O~

**A.N: Thank you for still reading this story, it means a lot! I'm working on the next one but I don't know yet when I'll be done with it!**


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